High Progesterone

So I went in to get my progesterone checked today. I was doing three a day of the old, gelcap, messy vaginal suppositories (no one ever said making a baby was a fun time .... wait ... anyway) but only doing one per day of the new tablet vaginal suppositories because it was new. I was sure, sure, sure they would say to at least up it to 2. My progesterone levels always come back as point something, like .7 or such, super low. I kept waiting and waiting for a call. (Btw if they change your meds or anything of note, they usually call you back, if it's just results, they call and leave a message on your voicemail, but it's voicemail you call in to if that makes sense). No call.

Urgh doctor's office - don't make me move to Ohio. So I called my voicemail and lo and behold, a message! My progesterone was 41 so no need to change my meds. (My insulin was fine too, so I'm staying strong at 4 Metformin per day. This is a lot for someone who chokes at the THOUGHT of pill taking). Color me flabbergasted. Now I know my body isn't producing all this progesterone on its own, after all I'm still taking the medicine. But SOMETHING is going on and I'm going to assume it's positive until I am told otherwise. Pregnancy test at the doctor's office next Tuesday: the countdown begins. (Oh and meanwhile my inlaws and their entire family are coming for fake Christmas/New Years - OH JOY!)

Waiting!

I can't believe I haven't updated since early December. In my defense, my story just feels very boring lately and not worthy of blogging. (Medicine, waiting, blah, blah, blah.) We changed my medicine back to follistim again and I started a new cycle in early December after the blood test confirmed that I was not pregnant. We went to Ohio to visit my parents and coordinating monitoring in another state was a HOLY NIGHTMARE OMG, but we got it worked out and had the monitoring and the IUI for this time there - the IUI on Christmas Eve, my birthday. Hopefully that's lucky for us. Now we're back home and preparing for his whole family to come spend New Year's/Fake Christmas with us and I've got to get ready for a new semester.

My husband's sperm got EXCELLENT rating for this IUI (like eleven times the baseline quality they require - ELEVEN TIMES). So either that last test was a fluke or those fertility blend vitamins work really, really well. Also, I switched from progesterone suppository gelcaps which get icky and gross to progesterone suppository tablets which are so far okay but I am not entirely sure how I feel about them. Aren't the details of my medical life endlessly enthralling? I thought so. :-)

Confirmed Again

I am not pregnant.

Spotting

I'm getting a little breakthrough type spotting, very faint, but I know what it is. And I know what it tends to herald - the beginning of the end of this cycle. So much for lucky #7, how does anyone feel about lucky #8?

The Neverending Waiting Game

So we had the IUI - the worst part is always the getting in, once they are in they could throw a party for all I care. We had the IUI and drove to Florida (a day late!) but had a wonderful Thanksgiving except his parents think they are entitled to all points of data all the time now. My husband's dad offered to fund IVF if money was the only thing standing in our way, but I find it a little too "I now own my grandchild." Plus, we're not yet in the market for IVF.

However, during the sample giving for the IUI they tested my husband's sperm and his count was good, but his motility a bit below average - they look for like 50% mobile and he had 43%. Now he didn't exactly save up for that sample, but he's taking some more vitamins anyway and will have another test in a few months. But it didn't exactly make me optimistic for the IUI.

I refuse to take any more home pregnancy tests, so I'm waiting for a blood test on Thursday (and because it's the first blood test - I won't trust it either). However, I'm feel crampy in the way that I think my period is coming, so I'm not hoping for much. It just seems like too much of a long shot at this point.

Major Updates

I was finally allowed to trigger last night on CD 26 (next time we're going back to a higher dose of Follistim, because this is getting redonkulous as far as waiting time) and I went in this morning for the post-coital. I don't produce a lot of mucus on my own when it counts (too much at other times) and the test was abnormal - who knows if it was him or me (probably me) but they wanted us to do an IUI tomorrow morning.

Big problem - we are leaving to meet his parents in Orlando today, and he did not at all for one minute want to push it back when people are waiting on us. Since his parents already know the whole story (thanks to him) I asked if he could ask them about it and he said no. And then he started ranting to me about the doctor's office and how they could never get the timing right (hello, it's my body that controls the timing, not the doctor's office). I think we were just both in a panic that sex may not solve all our problems on this go round. Our assumption was, sex worked last time, why won't it work this time? The answer is that it might work, but this brings our chances so much higher.

A few minutes later he called back and said he would talk to his parents. Half an hour later he agreed to do the IUI tomorrow before we leave (though it involves driving to another city first and then driving to Florida). Please send good thoughts my way that this process works and we get a sticky baby who is here for the long haul.

More shots

I feel like I've been on this rollercoaster forever, but my ovaries have barely moved in the right direction. As of yesterday, I had one follicle that was 1.1 and we don't trigger until at least somebody gets up to 1.8. So they upped me to three vials of Menopur per night as opposed to two. I thought doing Menopur meant I was going to get less shots because it was going to go for less nights in the cycle. Boy howdy, was I wrong.

Conspiracy

FYI, Menopur shots hurt a heck of a lot worse than Follistim shots. I think it's the mixing that makes it a thicker shot. In any event, OUCH! It's only day 11, but on day 9 I hadn't made any progress so I'm not sure if the Menopur is actually kicking my ovaries in their stubborn little rear ends like it is supposed to be doing. I go in tomorrow for another update.

I also have a conference this weekend so I will have to do two shots by myself. I am NOT looking forward to that little number. How do I always plan to be out of town when the ball may drop at any moment for induced ovulation? It must be a conspiracy of the universe.

Back on Track

Well, I'm back to this again, shots and hope. My period started on Sunday and it was very painful, but it seems to be backing off now into regular period territory. My bloodwork and ultrasound yesterday proved me good to go, and as this is day 3 we are starting again. The doctor did not advise us to wait, and we don't really want to (especially since our deductible is paid off through the end of the year so we'd like to get in before December what we can). So there it is. Starting over, hard, but necessary.

Confirmed

I am not pregnant anymore, or at least my numbers are trending down and I will not be pregnant very soon. So this is what they call a chemical pregnancy. I will be speaking with the doctor later today about it, but I thought y'all would want to know that the blood test confirmed what we already knew.

I must retract the surprise, am now in sad mode

My dear husband suggested if I was nervous, I should take another home pregnancy test. Nothing like a little life-affirming little pink line, am I right?

Three negative pregnancy tests later, including one digital that he ran out to get since I was out, we started to get the feeling that I wouldn't be telling my parents tonight after all. (Oh my parents, are in town, but know nothing yet about our little adventure during which we thought we were pregnant for a red hot thirty seconds.) So I called and scheduled an emergency blood test.

However, I'm pretty sure it will confirm what I already know. Even though my spotting let up yesterday and this morning, I somehow knew it was too good to be true. For some reason, my body cannot contain joy and cannot work properly. I know my loss is minimal compared to others, but I will never be able to trust a pregnancy test again, blood or otherwise, and never experience joy with a pregnancy (if I am ever able to attain one) until much later.

I kind of want to crawl in a hole and die, but I have to deal with my parents and teach class and perform normal human-type functions. I'm sorry this blog is such a downer, but what did you expect with a url like evil ovary?

Blood test

Confirms that I am currently pregnant! My beta was 29.9 and I'll go in for another one in a week. I could spend that time obsessing about the relatively low number, but my husband insists I enjoy the fact that I am pregnant today, right now, right this second, and let whatever happens happen without worrying so much about it. This is why I am confident that together we will make great parents.

*Slow exhale of breath.* My parents are coming on Wednesday and I.Can't.Wait.

Oh so my husband got to see the original pregnancy test but wasn't convinced. I found out the blood test results while running errands (he was too - opposite errands) and bought a little "I love Daddy" onesie and a card for him to find when he got home. He loved it! (And thought I had been lying about not getting the results when he called earlier - but I really hadn't!) So I got to do the right away reveal and the delayed reveal. Right now I am just so darn happy.

Obsessing

So as I said previously, my husband does not believe the clear blue easy digital test, because of all of my hormone manipulation and the trigger shot (even though it was long ago by most counts). Today is 14 days past ovulation and 15 days past trigger, and ANOTHER clear blue easy said yes.

Problem is, I'm not having as much luck with the dollar store and the internet stories on false positives from clear blue are starting to freak me out. Last night I had a negative on dollar tree, but I chalked it up to not first morning urine (plus I pee a lot now during the day, so it was diluted). I was ready this morning with clear blue and dollar store part 2 (and 2 and 3 for dollar store, because I'm a paranoid freak). Clear blue was easily a yes again, and I saw the faintest of lines on the dollar store tests (one better than the other, but not by much). So now I'm obsessing until my blood test tomorrow can put me out of my misery. I thought digital tests would be easier and more reliable in my time of need. :-(

Surprise!

My husband is still in shock. He thinks with all the hormone manipulation at hand, I should wait to get excited until the blood test - but I can't wait! (He doesn't want me to fall from so high a height he says.) I actually took the test this morning just to see if I could stop with the progesterone, I was going to use a negative test as an excuse! Right now I am so happy I can hardly stand it, but am trying for my husband's sake to be a little reserved until Monday.

On Track

Right on schedule, ten days after my trigger shot I have tested it out of my system. I'm waiting until Friday to take another test. That's when they wanted to do the blood test, but I'll be out of town then so they are going to do the blood test Monday. I hate waiting (and secretly think it's kind of pointless, my body doesn't listen anyway). I have a meeting with the doctor tomorrow just to discuss things. We'll see how that goes. That's all for now.

Glucophage

So today I took a pregnancy test, just to see if the trigger was out of my system or not (no one get excited) and I was all set for it to be negative but there seems to be a faint shadow of a line. I can't believe my pee actually made a pregnancy test turn positive at all. It's sort of a miracle, even with the recent shot of HCG.

I got tested last Friday for progesterone and such, and did fasting labs. My insulin and glucose are now sufficiently out of whack for them to put me on Glucophage. I'm not terribly thrilled about this but it is a moderately normal PCOS girl step. I will not be taking the meds when not TTC I do believe. I hate, HATE swallowing pills and these Glucophage tablets are not my speed.

Also my progesterone is low (14, just like it was the only other time I apparently ovulated) so now I have to take two suppositories per day, which is a lot harder than it sounds. Taking one before bed is easy and I know it isn't going anywhere. But taking one in the morning? Makes me feel all squishy and gross.

And there you have it - no real new news other than MEDS! And no idea if I'm actually pregnant (and thus this being worth it - or not).

Fluttering

So, as you all know, we triggered on Saturday night and are doing the deed nightly to secure our timing. Will it work? There's only a 20% chance of pregnancy, but hopefully a 100% chance of actually ovulating this time.

Last night, after sex, with my hips propped up on a study pillow ( yes old wives' tale - do I care? - no) I felt a fluttering in my internal lady parts. Was I ridiculously insane to think it was indicative of anything? Almost assuredly, and even my husband thought I was a nutbar when I brought it up to him. But something was definitely going on down there, I just hope it will result in good news.

CD21 blood test this Friday even though it will technically be CD24. Alleged pregnancy test scheduled for the 19th, CD34 if I make it that long.

Trigger!

I was able to trigger last night after we MOVED across town all day. I am so tired, and today I feel like I've been kicked in the kidney, but allegedly that's to be expected. I also have a ton of appointments this week and will be doing progesterone suppositories.

No Trigger Yet!

Another appointment on Friday to monitor my little follicles who are growing ever so slowly.

Stimulating

Still going strong with the follistim. Tomorrow it will be 12 days that I've taken actual drugs. They just keep dragging it out, a few days at a time. Allegedly this is because it's my first time on the drugs and because I have PCOS so we don't want to excite those crazy ovaries.

It's so weird having to schedule everything though. I'm actually praying I don't have to trigger tomorrow because my husband will be out of town and there is nothing I can do about it. We had no idea how long this would take and obviously couldn't put our lives on hold to wait. I dread to think about how much money we've spent on this cycle only to have it all for naught.

While this is going on we're renting and moving to a house and I've got some crazy work stuff as well. I'm trying to remain calm about it. How am I doing? :-)

HSG

I survived! The moral of the story is my tubes are clear and my uterus looks normal, but oh boy.

So I got up super early and drove down to this other town. I was early, so I napped in my car for a bit before going in (but I missed the bottleneck of traffic that would have otherwise made me late). I saw someone from my home office there, another patient, and we chatted and it was nice. But the office didn't send over the order for my test, and the girl doing my paperwork couldn't reach the doctor on the phone. Of course, you can't, I said, he's over here doing procedures. Call the office! Apparently she could not and sent me running all over the hospital to get my own order, only to call me back when the doctor said he would do it verbally.

I was very, very scared of the going in part, but it turns out to be only slightly worse than your average pap smear. The doctor didn't think radiology would have a narrow speculum for me, but I was like, hey, if they don't we can find one, this is a HOSPITAL and I'm not doing it without one. Actually, I didn't have to be like that at all because radiology did have one. Pain, pain, pain, I was okay, then the x-ray was supposed to be the easy part. That dye made me feel like I was going to barf and then was super crampy. In fact, when I sat up afterwards the nurse asked me if I was always this pale. Sadly, the answer to that was yes.

I drove home and taught class and ran errands and everything was fine except I was getting more and more crampy and full. I took some more aleve last night and barely ate any dinner and went to bed early, and I am mostly better today, which makes me think I will be completely better tomorrow.

First *Self* Injection

I'm not sure I would want to give the muscle shot, but I gave myself the sub-q shot today as the husband was napping (and I almost caved and woke him up, and then thought, do I really want a sleepy husband in charge of needles? I did not.) It was so easy I wasn't sure if I was even doing it right. The top of the pen sort of twists down into the shot, it doesn't plunge like regular shots do.

Anyway, I am successfully a follistim junkie. I have to get up at like 4:30 am to drive into another town to have my HSG test done tomorrow morning. My husband was going to go with me, but some of our plans later in the week now require that he not take the morning off. So...I'm going it alone. Scared to death based on the bits and pieces I've read. This is a girl who cannot do a normal pap smear, I'm so narrow they have to use the smaller equipment on me. If I survive, I'll report back.

First Injection

Had my first shot tonight. Even though my husband and I went to official injection training, I still made him watch the DVD video again before we went through with it. It's...not as pleasant as swallowing a Clomid pill but not terrible. My right ovary now feels a little bloated, but I think it's all in my mind.

We are doing follistim for 6 days (cd3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8) and then I go in for testing on day 9. My nurse says they could ask me to do the trigger shot then, but that seems so early! Then I would trigger and ovulate sometime on day 9, 10, or 11. Then I follow up with progesterone capsules and wait it out.

I also have my test on Monday to see if my tubes are blocked. We had an infection (both the hubs and myself) so we're on antibiotics anyway.

That's all the news around here for the time being. More bulletins as events warrant.

The Next Step

My wish was granted in that my obgyn wanted nothing to do with me anymore since I spectacularly failed to ovulate this time. They wanted me to see a specialist that comes to their practice once a month, and the earliest appointment was Nov. 16th. That was okay, right?

Yeah, I kind of wanted to see someone sooner than two and a half months from then. (I talked to them last week.) I called the place directly and they could get me in Sept. 25th, and the place my insurance suggested could see me on Sept. 8th. I decided to make both appointments and see if I liked this other place first. The Sept. 8th place is an hour from where I live, but they have an office here for monitoring purposes. The Sept. 25th place is three hours from where I live, and the office they have here for monitoring is the one I'm at which has been giving me all kinds of trouble. Yeeeeaaaah, tough choice. I had pretty much decided if this new place wasn't like, the apocalypse of bad I was going to go with them.

So I filled out all my forms and made my husband sign everything and fill out his part, and I got up at 5:00 a.m. to drive over there so I could be back for my afternoon class. Due to a terrible traffic situation, I was half an hour late, (stuck on the highway, then I went to the wrong building, then I couldn't find parking at the RIGHT building), so I was practically having a panic attack. I *hate* to be late and I was sure they would say, "Oops, you missed your window, come back three weeks from now." But they had mercy on me! They were incredibly efficient and nice and helpful, and I just fell in love with the whole office (which now I realize is so much more important than falling in love with just your doctor).

I saw the doctor, and we discussed that with the Clomid not working, the next step is injectibles. (Ovulation induction by taking shots to grow the follicles, then a shot to release them unto my uterus.) This new place has a ton of monitoring in place for that, and they are going to check out my tubes and do a post-coital test, in addition to bloodwork AND ultrasounds every step of the way. My insurance covers the monitoring and the tests (with some co-pays and hospital fees thrown in there) but not the drugs. Not one little bit. I have to call to see if I can put the drugs down for my deductible or not. My husband takes regular medication and we're constantly getting refund checks for him since he hit his deductible long ago. Me? No problems except my ovaries don't work.

ANYWAY, they did a complete physical, then I had an extra session with a nurse counselor to re-explain the treatment and walk me through it (and hook me up with pharmacy brochures) and then ANOTHER extra session with a financial counsel who already knew how my specific insurance worked. I got a progesterone in oil shot to kick start my period. Then some blood work and a urine sample and I was good to go. Everything else I get to do here, where I live, except for the dye test for my tubes.

In some ways this is a huge step. I can already tell you my husband does NOT want to inject me with drugs (or go to his injection training this Friday ... or have twins (not that he's against multiples per se, but the higher risk did startle him a bit)), however we're taking this one step at a time. All I'm capable of doing right now is seeing if the big, heavy artillery drugs will help me ovulate. Then we will see where we go from there. My husband and I are taking this medical journey together, but we are doing so one step at a time.

Doctor's Office Frustration

Well I'm really glad that pain I was having last week didn't last or I would be in big trouble. The ultrasound takes place on Thursday. I call on Friday. I hear nothing back. I call on Monday. I hear nothing back. I call on Tuesday, and I'm pissed.

Why is no one calling me back? The receptionist tries to tell me they did leave a message at 775-zzz-zzzz. Well my number is 773-zzz-zzzz. Now I know it's not an area code they are used to, because it's my cell phone where I have lived before. But when I put it on my form originally, someone entered it into the computer incorrectly, and I've been struggling with it ever since. EVERY TIME I CALL OR COME IN, I try to clear this up, but no one changes it in the computer. (I've been with them since....January? of this year. And I go in for these damn blood tests like every month.) When I went in for the ultrasound and tried to change it, I was told I would have to fill out a form to officially change it. Keep in mind that this mistake was never mine, but someone doing data entry. So I filled out the form. And they swore they changed it. AND LEFT MULTIPLE MESSAGES WITH SOMEONE IN NEVADA AND NOT WITH ME.

But that's not the best part. That's just the annoyance that is this office where they hate me. When I finally talked to a nurse I found out that no one even LOOKED at the ultrasound. The doctor just hadn't gotten around to it. Since last Thursday. So if I was languishing in pain and something needed to be done about it, too bad, no one even glanced at the ultrasound I was told to come in and have.

Urrrrrrrgh. At this point I almost want them to kick me to a specialist just so I can go to another office. This is the best office in town I'm at right now for ob/gyn, which should tell you something about my location. Anyway, the nurse said that no matter what the ultrasound said I had to come in for day 21 bloodwork, because the doctor makes his Clomid adjustments off of that (well no wonder he does, since he doesn't look at ultrasounds). Also, do they really think Clomid is going to heal me at this point? I am riding 150 mg with no results, maybe it's time to look into something else.

Feeling Better!

Nothing a little homemade eggplant parmesan won't fix (and unbelievably I have a good-for-you recipe for it that I would be happy to share). That and cuddles, lots and lots of cuddles.

No official test results yet, but I won't be surprised if they A)called back at all or B) told me something I didn't already know. I was going to try to wiggle out of doing CD21 bloodwork (because what's the point, right?) But at this point I guess I will go in anyway.

My husband passed his last CPA exam (we found out last night) so we are going out this weekend to celebrate! He doesn't want to *be* an accountant, but the credential looks nice on his resume for what he wants to do. So, yay him! :-)

Ramblings...

This is going to sound super cranky and depressing, but I need to vent it out! Skip over this one if you want to do so.

All those people who say it's not happening for a reason, even though no one has said that to me specifically other than my mother (thanks), are getting to me. Instead of just calling them stupid or whatever, as a religious purpose I see merit in God's timing. As in, maybe He doesn't want me to be pregnant right now, or ever, for some reason I do not know. And how do you deal with that? What if God just doesn't want me to be a mommy? (I mean, yes, potentially this is untrue and there are other avenues to being a mommy, but still) What if God doesn't want me to be pregnant? It's possible - who knows, I could have some rare medical problem that would kill me if I ever got pregnant, or God's just monkeying with the timing so I don't get pregnant before I'm "supposed to" be.

What I do know is that God made me this way, and he made me not ovulate. I have no idea why, but it's killing me not to be able to pull through a cycle (any cycle) like a champ. I do NOT like being on so much medication, but there's nowhere from here but up to more. And if I do that, go that far, am I just trying to veto God? What's the message there? I don't know.

Ultrasound

The unofficial word from the technician is no cysts, which was a little disturbing almost because I was in pain dagnabit and I wanted something to blame that pain on. The good news is that whatever has been troubling me is not gone but has receded to that fullness/slightly uncomfortable feeling and away from the terrible pain I was in yesterday morning that caused me to schedule the ultrasound at the nurse's request.

The bad news was that not only had I not ovulated (although I knew this part was true) but it doesn't seem like I will ovulate any time soon. Although I had "lots" of follicles, none of them were big enough to be measurable, even on day 17. So ovulation is not impending. Does this mean it won't happen at all this month? I don't know, but it surely won't happen on the alleged timetable the office wants. I think this is all the reason they need to boot me to someone else, and I'm not really sure who that will be in this area. Plus, I am bummed that 150 doesn't seem to be working its magical wonders and that 100 did, but only that one time. I am confused, and a little downtrodden about the whole thing.

Calling in the Professionals

What? No one wants to leave me health advice over the internet? :-) This place sure was jumping yesterday, but no one left any comments. That's okay.

I called the nurse, who suspects cysts and I'm having an ultrasound this afternoon. I will report back with more data points at that time.

Please tell me I'm deranged...(TMI)

I know this sounds crazy. Yesterday I felt a fullness and an uncomfortableness in my lower abdomen area, more on the left side than the right. I thought maybe I was having a Jamie Lee Curtis issue (Activi-aaa! (You know you are singing that word in your mind. If not, you do not watch enough television)). So I went to the store later last night and took some over the counter laxatives.

12 hours has now gone by and thankfully my alleged Jamie Lee issue should have abated. I was able to finally go to the restroom. But the fullness/uncomfortableness has not abated, and throughout this morning has ranged from slightly painful to moderately painful.

I guess now I will just wait and see if it's better or worse. Part of me thinks maybe it's ovulation pain, though more severe than I've ever ever had it, but my monitor still says low so I don't think that's happening right now. If not that, and not trouble going to the restroom, then what? My mind is conjuring up twisted ovaries or something else bad that will only further jeopardize my gynecological health.

(Note: I'm not really relying on the Internet at large for health advice, just wondering what you all think. I am perfectly capable of/willing to see a doctor if the pain persists or gets worse.)

Still Low

At this point (cd14, the alleged magic day for ovulators everywhere) I am still getting low readings and I am starting to long for even the fake-highs we had last time. They gave me hope that the Clomid was working (even if if made my monitor wonky) and thus we we were all moving in the right direction.

Now I'm starting to think, is it even possible that 100mg of Clomid made me O 1/2 times but 150 doesn't even allow me to have a "high" reading? That is just crazy insane and probably means my next stop is with an infertility specialist, as I'm sure my ob-gyn is as tired of these shenanigans as I am.

Monitor

Okay I admit it. The monitor is driving me crazy. After having too many highs last time around here we are on day 10 with no high in sight and I'm starting to worry. Will I get a high? Will I get a peak? How can I get a peak if I don't get a high?

Oh Clear Blue Easy - how expensive and anxiety riddled you are.

Old Wives Tales

In the past I've been pretty much blase about all the myths of things that help you get pregnant - I mean if it's not documented anywhere, can't it just be a coincidence? I prefer the charts and medicine and science way of doing things. Until this time ...

I feel like I am being pulled in a thousand different directions. Before I didn't want to do too many unusual things because they can get contradictory and useless, but now there's nothing I won't try almost. It's just an overwhelming feeling, that I don't want this cycle to be a failure because of something I *didn't* do, no matter how small.

Back in the land of the living...

In total I hiked 11.8 miles! Go me! And the mother in law and I hiked 3.5 of that by ourselves, and we felt really proud of it. It was overall a good time and we both enjoyed it, but I am glad the overt hiking part has passed.

I took my monitor on the trip to set it for day 1 and then, I thought, to use a test strip on day 6. But it didn't want a strip on day 6 and I thought, great, now it thinks my cycles are so long maybe it will never want one again. But today, day 7, it did, and it was low. Not that I think I'll ever trust a high again. I want a PEAK, baby, not a high. We'll see.

How is 150 Clomid going? The good thing about where we were hiking is that it was coooold and I usually get so hot on Clomid. Now that we're back, ugh. Also, super emotional and weepy and such but no worse than on the 100.

Welcome back, CD1

My period has shown itself, and today I will be hiking up a mountain, probably doing about six miles, on no drugs. Note to self, send husband for Aleve.

It begins again.

Hiking + Period = :-(

This just in: Progesterone makes me have to pee, a lot. Also, it makes me randomly weepy and cranky. WHO KNEW? I am not looking to A) having my period and B) taking Clomid (now with even more side effects and three times the pill-taking fun!) while on a hiking trip next week with my husband AND my in-laws.

I am not a hiking girl. (I mean, I am not actively against it or anything, it's just not my number one fun activity.) I will only be going on day hikes and not the crazy multiple over night backpacking hiking extravaganza that my dear husband and father-in-law are going on. However, that means I will be left alone with my mother-in-law for three days. And the husband and I are not telling them we are trying - this is mostly me and not wanting to disclose to the in-laws that their sweet baby boy married a broken woman. I don't think I could take the hassle or the sympathy.

Anyway, like I said last time, no updates because nothing is happening. I'm on the same train, taking progesterone and then more bonus Clomid. I haven't tangled with taking my temperature or peeing on a stick for the monitor in AGES, but I bet you can't wait for the awesome updates when I do that again. I just finished the progesterone ... Tuesday, so I'm waiting for the period to drop any time ...

I know...

I seriously cannot believe it's been 20 days since my last post. The whirlwind update is this, I got a hojillion highs from the monitor, and then a low, with no peak. The CD 21 test confirmed that I did not ovulate at all, and now my doctor wants me to go on 150 mg of Clomid.

My husband's theory is that 100 was probably borderline, and that's why it worked one time and didn't the next, just too close to what I needed. His optimism tells him that 150 will SURELY get us there. I continue to be disappointed.

Aaand to make it better, I can't even start the Provera until tomorrow even though I had my blood test last Thursday because the doctor's office refuses to call me back. So unlike a TWW, where it's over and you get your period, I will have to wait a week and a half to get my period even after all hope is gone and then start again. Whee.

Seriously?

Dear Clear Blue Monitor,

HEY THERE! You and I, we've had some good times, haven't we? Remember last month, when you gave me a peak and I had my only documented ovulation ever in my life? The one I'd been waiting since December for? That was fun. Let's do it again. Like, RIGHT NOW. Seven days of high is just a mind fvck. I need the peak. I'm good for it. I promise! I will love you and kiss you and hang out with you every morning. I'm going on a trip next week, so let's not to be dragging this out. I thought you were supposed to know me better the second month? Prove it!

Much love,
Me

I'm so High!

I couldn't resist the subject line. I *thought* that the Clearblue Monitor was supposed to give you several high readings the first month, but then calm itself down and do a better job the following month. Here it is on my second cycle with it and I'm still rocking the fifth high day. And I don't think it's the Clomid because it always says low when I'm still on the Clomid (and this month, even a day after) and then it's like, hi, hihihihihi HIGH!!!! Okay, chillax, monitor. I need to know about peak, you ever heard of it? Because my husband will jump me every single day the monitor says high, because it *might* be helpful.

My husband went from not wanting to know anything because it's too much pressure to have this conversation every morning.

Him: "What's your temperature"
Me: "It's X"
Him: "What does that MEAN? What do we want it to do?"
Me: "I don't know, I need to input it in the graph."
Him: "Well what was it yesterday?"
Me: "I don't remember, I just woke up like 30 seconds ago."
Him: "Go do your monitor and tell me what it says."
Me: *pees on stick*
Him: "What does it SAY?"
Me: You know these things take a few minutes.

I feel like he should be telling me to calm down, not the other way around. However, I'm super glad that he feels that invested in the process.

Hot!

It is sooooo unbelievably hot here! Added to the Clomid, and I feel at any moment I could literally burst into flames.

The air conditioning was broken in our house. I discovered this when I thought I was having hot flashes or something, and checked the thermostat. It was set at 75. The actual temperature in the house? NINETY FIVE DEGREES. You know, only a twenty degree difference. Urgh. At least the maintenance people came out the next morning to fix it. It is now marginally tolerable to live in this place.

CD1

So my period, it is officially here. I reset the monitor today and called my doctor for more Clomid (he thinks I can stay on the 100 for another few months). I have some feelings about this, but because I am actively on my period, they mostly center around blurrrrghhhh. So I'll let it be for now.

Probably Out

I was counting on a temperature dive to tell me for sure, but today for sure I am spotting even if I was guessing at it those other days. Anything that is not for sure my period (a red flow) I count as spotting, and this is it. Plus I had a BFN this morning. I know it's still technically "early" but with the spotting plus BFN I do not have high hopes.

Progesterone Level

Well my day 21 test came back today, and last time I had .7 but this time I had 14.1, which the nurse described as a decent number but the internet at large seems to think is fairly low. Don't know what to think. The nurse said she wasn't sure if the doctor would keep me at 100 or bump me up to 150, so she clearly thinks there isn't a chance of me being pregnant.

...

I'm having to go the the bathroom a lot today, and this sort of intestinal distress has always been a sign for me that my period is on the way. However, it's only 7DPO, isn't that too early for signs of anything, be it pregnancy or aunt flo?

Temps Going Up

So my temperature keeps going up, up, up, almost breaking the 98 degree barrier this morning. Someone once asked on a message board which was worse, waiting to ovulate or waiting to test. I had never been in a position where I was waiting to test, so it seemed like a harder question. Now I know: waiting to test is so much harder. Why? There's HOPE involved. When you're a long cycle/no cycle gal and you're waiting to ovulate it's soooo frustrating because you just can't get anything going. You can't think about testing for pregnancy because you're trying to kickstart your body into working in the first place. It's the pits, and it's a lot of waiting around, but you know that you aren't pregnant. When you're waiting to test, it just kills that this might might might be something, but you don't get to know it yet. A little bit of hope is a very dangerous thing.

Cross-hairs!

97.43! Even at 5:00 a.m., more affectionately known as "balls o'clock" when we got up to leave town. I have real, non-dotted cross-hairs. Excitement abounds!

97.2

If I get anything above a 97.2 tomorrow, then FF will be nice to me and grant me crosshairs for Day 15. Day FIFTEEN? Who would have thought that was humanly possible for me? It almost sounds like a textbook. If it's true and the monitor didn't lie and I actually ovulated, I had enough sex for a month almost in a few days.

However, I have been worried about my temps being high enough because my husband has gotten hot at night. What? It's Alabama in the summer where we are right now - super hot. But with just a sheet, basically, and a little blanket, and the fan going at full blast, I keep waking up cold. Which makes me sleep a little less well and cold for temping in the morning. I try to do just the blanket on my side, but that doesn't work so well and sometimes I get too hot as well. So we'll see. I know it doesn't have that much of an impact, but I am prone to worry about silly things sometimes.

Houston, we have a Peak

So I am having a peak today! How exciting! It's almost like I've never ovulated before and this is the first glimmer of my body actually doing what it is supposed to do. How shocking. I am a little confused because my temps already seem on the rise which tends to make me think O has already occurred, but the peak seems to say that O will occur very shortly. I guess I will just have to wait a a couple of days and see. Oh and jump my husband every chance I get. :-)

Shenanigans, Part II

So it's day 11 and I still have a high reading on my monitor. I sort of glossed over last time that the first two days of high on 9 and 10 were probably just the Clomid. Most advice I see says don't use an OPK with Clomid until at least 3-4 days of it being out of your system. So now that I have sustained highs on 10 and 11 (after finishing the Clomid 3-7), I'm feeling better about this whole "high" enterprise, like it might actually do me some good. I'll probably fall down if I ever get a peak reading, which according to rumors should still be reliable even if the high reading is not.

I had an emergency business trip come up and so I've been out of town since yesterday morning super early and will be going home tomorrow afternoon. Let's hope this hasn't damaged our chances in any way.

Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor Shenanigans

I do like the monitor. It was expensive, but something about sliding that stick in and getting a digital reading every day, even if it's low, is comforting to my mind. The OPKs were just guessing games completely.

And I don't know if it's just five days of Clomid at double dose in my system, but today, CD8 I got a high reading. The monitor people say you can have as many as five high days before you peak on your first cycle, but I would be glad to peak at all. Anything that goes over that first bar is getting treated to some sexy times at our house. I'm just so happy that the monitor thinks it's possible for me to ovulate. Silly monitor!

More

Apparently they don't "make" Clomid in anything bigger than 50mg, so when you take 100mg you just take two pills. That part does not excite me. So, I'm on the Clomid, and I took it last night before bed (about two hours before bed, I didn't get to sleep right away in a way that has nothing to do with the Clomid). Much better than taking it at dinner is all I can say.

Also I made my husband go in for an "analysis" because it's so easy and we both wanted to know just how many uphill battles we are fighting at this point. He is completely normal, the nurse tells us (also I asked her about my pap, yes, I had that in February but no one ever called me so I assumed it was fine but then freaked out because no one EVER calls us with information from there, ever, and I had an abnormal one a year ago and blah, blah, blah). Anyway, that was normal too! Yay we're all normal, except....I don't ovulate. Well hopefully with Clomid I will.

I barely want to admit this to the Internet at large, but I feel like you guys should know. I am 1000% relieved that there is nothing wrong with my husband. It will make getting pregnant a lot easier in the long run and he doesn't need security issues, especially right now. However, he will never truly know how I feel, and it is all my fault for being the broken one, you know? I had a tiny hope that maybe he would share some of this burden from the inside as opposed to the outside. Isn't that a horrible thought? I'll put it away now.

CD1

I don't know why I haven't been posting. Probably the same reason I've been MIA from the boards, even lurking all that much. Nothing was happening! I was just waaaaiting for progesterone to kick in and do its thing. So instead of today being CD 64 it was, happily, CD1. I am so freaking glad too - even for Aunt Flo to rear her head at 6 p.m. Why?

I had 5 days of spotting before a real period. 5 days of dark gunk without a red drop in sight, just teasing and tormenting me until I was like come ON ALREADY! Seriously. Nothing like waiting on your period, am I right no cycle/long cycle girls? It's frustrating.

Also I finally caved in and bought a clearblue monitor. The sticks were driving me crazy not ever being able to tell, so this will reliably and digitially tell me every day that I'm not ovulating! That should make things more fun. However, with the rallying call of day 1 I am glad to be back in the game, to start taking my temperature, my medication, and my chances, and see what comes my way.

Nothing New

My marriage is just fine, you guys. I didn't mean to rant about my husband and just leave the blog alone for so long. He apologized that very night. I just haven't felt like updating because I'm trapped in the same cycle. Clearly, I have not responded to the Clomid at this point. The nurses want to induce a new period and go to 100 on the Clomid. Which, okay, but I've been holding out hope for the past few days, see that curve upwards in my chart (speaking of which, see my chart on the side of the blog! Yay for technology and me). I would have gotten dashed crosshairs if my temp had been 97.5 today. What did I get? A low 96.86. Nothing like that to bring you back to reality. So my plan on Monday is to go in and get b/w done so they can verify I am not pregnant before I take the provera and start the whole shebang all over again.

I feel sad about this, but I think (and correct me if I'm wrong long cycle/no cycle girls) it's a different kind of sad than a BFN. With that, you at least had the chance to take a pregnancy test, there was at least some hope, however slim, that *something* happened. With this? It's fast becoming May and I haven't ovulated since December, and that was when I first came off birth control. Who knows how long it's been since I actually ovulated? Not me, that's for sure. Anyway, that's all that I know from here, and it's nothing terribly exciting or blog worthy. Just depressing.

However, my husband and I are headed to New Orleans next weekend in honor of our first year anniversary. That part, I am very much looking forward to, especially now that I am sure it involves alcohol.

Venting a little about the husband

My husband is being a dumb***. Last night before we went to bed he made a comment about the kitchen. I wasn't feeling great yesterday (a bunch of distressing news and was in pain) so I didn't clean it. I still don't see how that should be my job ALL the time anyway, but whatever. So I stayed up late, after he went to bed (he didn't know I was going to do this) and I finished washing and drying some of his white shirts and cleaned the kitchen and the living room completely. I even packed his lunch for him, which I sometimes but not always do.

I went to bed super late, but still woke up when he woke up this morning. I saw him in our closet and let him know I hung up those white shirts if he wanted to wear them. He complained that they were not the right white shirts, he actually wanted these other white shirts that he was hiding in his dry cleaning basket. He then expressed sadness because he wanted to wear a certain pair of khakis that were NOT IN THE HAMPER. Dude, I do not have clothing ESP. If it is designated as dirty, then I will wash it. Otherwise.....

Surely he hasn't seen that I've cleaned up while he was sleeping, (I think) so I apologize that his other stuff isn't ready but say that I didn't know he needed it and he needs to tell me what he needs at least the night before. He then sulks around about his clothes some more. I tell him I put his lunch together in the fridge, which guarantees he will go into the kitchen. He says not a word to me until he leaves the house, when he claims he has to go right now, buthelovesmebye. Like all rushed and with no sense of love, just he says it every morning and why not today as well. No word about anything I've done, even the stuff just for him. Only complaints. And silence. All morning. I got up for this?

:-( Seriously? I know he is in a bad mood because they are not treating him right at work, but the only thing I really wanted was a thank you and a morning off from complaints.

P.S. He is totally on board with not skipping any time and just trying more and more Clomid, and he doesn't seem to understand why I have any reservations about it. However, he does think I should decide whether I want to reboot on CD 28 or wait a little longer. I am thinking about at LEAST waiting a little longer and demanding an ultrasound before I take more Clomid.

Bloodwork Results

I need to start doing something on this blog other than whine. I will have to dig down deep and find my funny bone. Or something.

So I went to the doctor on Monday to have my Day 21 b/w done, but it was clear as day from my chart that ovulation hadn't occurred, so I don't know what they thought they were going to find. But I went to prove that, hey, this Clomd stuff, not so much with the working.

Today is CD 24 and I called to see how the b/w went, and the nurse said I had a progesterone level of (gee now I've forgotten if she said .7 or 7, but she said it was pretty low and although they had seen women get pregnant on that and not to give up hope, it was unlikely). She also said (hee, hee, snort, chuckle) if I didn't get my period by CD 28 I should call them so we can kick start a new cycle and up the Clomid to 100 from 50. I almost passed out - does she really expect my period just to naturally float down from above in the NEXT FOUR DAYS should I not be pregnant from the magical elixir of Clomid? SERIOUSLY?

I asked how long because I wanted to know, oh how long do we ride this out for? Day 40? Day 60? Day 71 (which is how long I waited last time before taking progesterone)? And then she says Day 28, like my cycle has a teeny, tiny hope of being in the realm of normal. I may have to call back and check with the doctor on that one. Also I haven't talked to the hubs about this, we were supposedly taking a break in May, but that was based on the assumption that Clomd would do its job, my ovaries would do their jobs, and we would have at least had an all systems go signal at some point. Which we have not. Because neither the Clomid nor my ovaries are currently capable of doing their freaking jobs. Like, at all. Now when my husband looks at my chart he makes a little sad noise, like, oh, that doesn't look good at all (even though he really doesn't know what it's supposed to look like, he's always asking me what it's supposed to mean). Anyway, enough bitching about poor little me.

The good news (ha!) is that I have to have some major dental work done this summer, and it looks like that is going to happen uninhibited. I grind my teeth, like a lot, to the point that when I wake up my jaw hurts. Obviously I got a nightguard to deal with this problem, but before we caught it I ground off and broke like two molars. And they want to take my wisdom teeth out! And...you know, whatever else. I just told them to do it all while I'm on drugs and tell me about it later. Joyous!

Okay I'm searching myself for something not too depressing and not too whiny to share. Easter is coming! That's a good one. I got the hubs a little basket with a toy car and some candy and stuff he likes. Plus we are going to boil and then decorate some eggs on Saturday like little kids. I know that Jesus is the reason for the season, but I do like that bunny as well. He's more sugar oriented than even Santa, and that's good enough reason for me to like him.

What now?

There are lots of open circles on my chart. One one level, this bothers me, because it means I haven't been consistent as far as the time I temp. On another level, I just don't care, because even if I was the most consistent temp taker in the world, it wouldn't convince my body to ovulate. This also leads to me abandoning the prenatal vitamins in favor of my chewable vitamins. I hate swallowing pills, especially for no good reason.

I went in this morning for Day 21 bloodwork, to monitor how I'm doing on the Clomid. Well, let's see, before Clomid, not ovulating, and after Clomid, still not ovulating! Awesome. My mother would barely consider taking this drug, and I've already said yes and it's still not getting me anywhere. At this point, it's not about not being pregnant, it's about feeling like I'm just totally not able to get pregnant. Which is not the best news ever.

I don't know what the plan is anymore. I have a feeling my doctor will punt me to an RE. My husband and I were prepared to use Clomid as a back-up and stay off of it for awhile, but I'm not sure if that's a viable plan seeing as how Clomid doesn't work. (Yes, I realize the first step will be to just use more Clomid, but I do have cysts, and am not sure how good of an idea that is.)

Done, For Now, With Parents

His parents left this morning (but the last we saw of them was last night), aaand, it wasn't terrible. We ate, played games, watched T.V. They gave us something they owed us. It was nice. So, yay, they are gone.

I feel like I've been forcing my husband to have sex with me lately (it's been hard, with the parents, because it's much better for us to have sex in the afternoon, before he gets too tired, and yet, in the afternoon, when we get home, THERE THEY ARE.) Last night didn't, er, go so well, and it didn't get counted in the chart. We need to get back on our schedule.

Not that it matters! According to FF, my temps, and my OPKs, I have not ovulated yet, nor do I seem likely to do so in the near future. I am supposed to go get my progesterone tested on Monday, which will be Day 21, and I will, but I don't have what they are looking for. Doesn't everyone in the world at least ovulate on Clomid?

They really are out to get us...

Well I'm super glad I didn't get a positive OPK yesterday...we went out to dinner with my parents (they left early this morning and his parents got in last night, woo). My husband is super, super allergic to peanuts, as in, a small handful of peanuts would kill him instantly. We always ask about this when we go places and I always get peanut-free stuff too, just in case. Well he had this asian sauce and was told no peanuts. He starts eating it, and it takes just one or two bites for him to tell something is up. He tries to be discreet and go to the manager about it, and the manager comes to our table and SWEARS up and down there are no peanuts in what he is eating.

My husband is not fooled by this, as if he is having a reaction, there's a peanut something in there. He looks up the recipe for this sauce online (on his blackberry) and sure enough, there is some peanut oil in there too. PEANUT OIL COUNTS, people! (I swear, something about the south is that they don't take peanut allergies seriously down here - maybe because they grow so many peanuts that all the really allergic genes got weeded out of the population or something, who knows). Anyway, so the manager checks it out (duh, that should have been his first instinct) and says well there's a a trace amount of peanut oil. Again, still counts. Won't kill him, but will swell his tongue and cause him to throw up just to be careful. So THAT was lovely.

Day 15 today? No positive OPK yet, but plenty of sex. I promise to remain calm until day 21 when I'm supposed to go in for progesterone testing but still haven't ovulated.

Parents, Parents, and more Parents.

I love my parents, I really do. And they are both coming to town this weekend, which is a surprise. It's hard for my dad to get away, and my mom and I are super close so she visits me more frequently. So they are going to be here over "potential O time," if I were a regular gal, which, I'm not, but maybe the Clomid will induce some normalcy into my world. (CDs 12, 13, and 14) But for some bizarre reason, even though we politely asked his parents to refrain from visiting us under after April 15th (because of my parents coming and also DH is taking an exam on the 11th), they decided they must come and see us on March 31st. It makes no sense. They must come and see us IMMEDIATELY after my parents leave, on CD 15, and stay with us and hound us for however long they want to.

When DH and I were dating, he was running the family business. And his parents had "retired" and lived many, many states away, and came up to stay AT HIS HOUSE from Thanksgiving until St. Patrick's day that year. We had a long distance thing, and every time I came to see him it was all family, all the time. I'm amazed we got married at that rate. Anyway, I would prefer for his parents to respect boundaries and to, you know, have boundaries about when and for how long they visit. I love them too, and spending time with them is not bad, it's just....sometimes frustrating.

Now we all know I won't O until will after then anyway, if ever, so that's not really the issue - although parents don't really encourage the sexy times usually. It's more of an urgh thing. Urgh. There, I'm done with it. I have complained openly on the internet so maybe now I will feel more free.

Also, if we ever do get pregnant I would like to tell our parents (especially my parents, because this will be their first grandchild, but DH's sister already has two) in person. That will be a trip to arrange and then cordon off from rampant visitation.

Waaaaiting.

So CD 10 should be nothing for an old pro at long cycles like me, but....even after taking the Clomid I have this suspicious, nagging, terrifying fear that I just won't ovulate. And if I won't ovulate on Clomid, what next? (Yes, I know, probably more and higher strength Clomid and then other stuff medically related) But it's sort of a thing in my brain that if this doesn't work, I really AM infertile and will have to spend thousands and wait years, if ever, to have a baby.

Ultimately his parents and grandparents are very big on "continuing the legacy" and I think if nothing is wrong with him, as a last resort we will probably do surrogacy with an egg donor if we can't get any out of me. This kind of makes me sad to think about, as I don't want to be the only one excluded from the baby making process because I am defective and broken.

You may be thinking to yourself, chill girl, don't go there, hang on, wait out this cycle and the next and the next but take it one day at a time. And you're right. But my brain....is being mean to me, what can I say?

Clomid

My last day of Clomid was yesterday. It hasn't been terrible, but I've been getting really hot at night (my husband sweetly put a cold washcloth on my head last night) and all around meh, though I don't know how much of that to really attribute to the drugs. I also reaffirmed (since I've started taking real PNV and DHA and not just my chewables) that I hate, hate, hate, hate swallowing pills. I don't know why, but I'd rather chew chalk than feel the pill in my throat threatening to come back up. Lovely, I know.

I didn't temp the first 28 days of my last cycle so I can't really say how average my temps are to me at this time. All I'm hoping for is some ovulation, baby! Come on ovaries, you can do it. Just please don't explode with cyst-harboring goodness or that will defeat the purpose.

Other than that, it's just keep swimming mode around here. My parents are coming to visit this weekend and crazy things are happening at work so everyone is in full speed mode.

Period Watch, Day 1!

After having an 84 day cycle, I was never quite so happy to have my first day of real period, and be on day 1 again. I already know this period will be a rough one, but just to have it happening is more than I can say.

My period really tricked me too! I have never, never spotted before but you can't call what's been going on the last two days a period. It's been weak and not red enough and not enough. Now it is coming on with a vengeance, after being denied for so long.

On Doctors & Medication

It has been an unfortunate while since I posted, so here goes.

On 1/27 I went to the doctor. He, nicely, did not say anything about my weight and was sweet and gentle with my pelvic. All around good time. He looked at my chart and my history and decided that I could keep trying on my own, but it would be difficult for me to ovulate. If I wanted to start clomid right away, I could. At the very least, I got an rx for progesterone and directions for bloodwork and an ultrasound to see if I had any cysts. The bloodwork proved, among other things, that I was not pregnant and I could start the progesterone last Tuesday. The ultrasound showed some cysts on my left ovary (the original evil ovary was righty, so maybe its more cyclical than I thought) but not enough to cause problems. So now my husband and I faced a choice, to start clomid right away or to wait?

Also, while my doctor is great, his nurse was a little disconnected. She said I could be taking the progesterone and the clomid at the same time, which, is kind of impossible since you don't get your "period" until after you are off of progesterone and you don't take clomid till after you start the next cycle. ANYWAY. She called my husband yesterday with the lab results and said everything was normal, and we could start clomid or go straight to an infertility specialist, because they didn't deal with these kinds of things very well. I called into her today and hope I get to actually speak with her, because I'm not sure how well my husband translated what she said, but HOLY WHAT? ONE appointment with me and a one off bloodwork and an ultrasound and you have decided I am far too broken for your practice? Even though I've only been trying to conceive for this one cycle? Are you NUTS? But I digress....

Whether I stay with these people medically or not, the decision to go on clomid or not still looms. Even though we officially are not telling anyone, including family, about ttc just now, I got permission to talk to my mom about this. My grandmother took DES and gave my mom some troubles and she was going to go on clomid the cycle after she got pregnant with me, so I wanted her advice on the whole thing. I know you shouldn't just "go on clomid" but it seems to me that my main problem right now is not ovulating, and this medication ostensibly solves that problem. We could try forever to get pregnant but I don't see why we should wait a year or more of not ovulating to address the not ovulating problem. I see girls on the message boards struggle with getting their period each cycle, but they GET THEIR PERIODS after a while and START new cycles. I'm still hanging out on day 78 and the ONLY reason I have an end in sight is the progesterone. Sigh. Part of my brain is like problem, meet solution.

My mother thinks it is okay, she was scared when she was younger because of the DES problems and thought she would have like four babies on clomid. We know more about it now, and I know more about it than she did. That helps. My husband wants to try clomid now for one cycle and just see if it works (success defined by ovulation, not pregnancy), and then go off of it for a bit and try to time things out better or try some alternative methods or something. I may be interviewing for jobs in the next fall/winter area, and that complicates things a bit. This next "cycle" we'd be on track for having a baby in December and that seems like a fine time. (Although I was a Christmas Eve baby and I urgh inside about potentially doing that to my kid).

So, what do I think? I think I would like to feel less broken and this feels like an ideal way - get started on the healing process. At best, we will know that this either works or it doesn't work, and either way we can go another route. It's just five days of pills, half of what I'm taking to get my period going. But now that I'm on the progesterone I'm all hormoney and weird anyway, and I don't know how much that is influencing my decision. I feel like I'm going to do it, just to see, and I told my husband that the next step was for him to get checked out, because it's far easier for him to do that than for me to do anything else. I may get some flack for this decision, but for now it's the one I feel I have to make.

Period Watch: Day 66

Still nothing, and my temps still don't show ovulation. Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment so I will be sure to update then. My husband is staying home tomorrow so he can be "around." I think he's predicting some bad news or just something to be done.

I have had super bad experiences with doctors (like that one who said tampons would solve all my worldly problems) and I just want this guy to be nice. I do not want him to just say, "lose weight." I am not the thinnest person in the world, but dude, telling someone for whom it is more difficult to lose weight to just "do it" doesn't really help. I want actual help, empathy, and compassion. I just hope it isn't too much to ask for in this scenario.

Period Watch: Day 59

Well I wished I'd blogged about it, because for a second there, fertility friend wanted to give me crosshairs on day 51. If only my temperature could sustain a day at 97.20, you get crosshairs. What did I get? 97.05, and it's all been downhill from there.

At day 59 (really, unless a miracle occurs, 60+) I can accept that I will not ovulate this cycle. But can I at least, you know, GET a period? Is that too much to ask? For those of you wondering, I have an appointment to see my doctor for the first time next Friday. I almost don't mind waiting a year to get pregnant on my own, but if I'm not even ovulating, that just isn't possible no matter how many times we have sex. And my husband is so cute about it right now, asking "what's your temperature?" every morning and he's even done some internet research on it. He thinks my chart is wonky because my thermometer is off - but he has no explanation for 59 days with no period and no pregnancy. I told him that tomorrow I would take a pregnancy test just to prove it, even though I know that my chart, even wonky, sustains no ovulation and no possible way of being pregnant.

Now I just want to
A) get my period already! Most women have had two plus cycles by now!
B) see my doctor and get started on this slow train to hell - at least get a plan of action in place.

In conclusion: Argh.

Other Life Issues

My husband said something a few days ago about maybe postponing having kids - and I wanted to throttle him. We may have a long road ahead of us anyway in that department, and he wants to prolong the time until we start?

In fairness, it's not about having kids per se - he wants them and is ready to have them. The deal is, I have a great job for me right now in a crap location for him (he is working way below his pay grade here at some part-time nonsense). At some point (and some point soon) we will have to move to another location. We hope not to move until one of us has a good job in the new location to make it easier, but we don't know what will happen. We have enough for a down payment on a house in a new location, but not enough to pay for a new house and keep paying off my law school loans and pay for a baby without both of us working, and we don't know what will happen. My view is, it's never the "perfect time" to have a baby, and we're not in a terrible financial situation that should prohibit us from trying to have a child. I'm already 27 and have known issues, so let's work with that, and be cautious of the financial issues but not overwhelmed by them. Life is always uncertain. But then again, I went to 12 schools before high school because my dad was in the military. So I'm much cooler with geographical uncertainty than the next person.

Also, and I want to vent about this but be vague too, so you know, it might be hard to follow - there is a potential set of positions for me in my husband's desired location, but it is on a different time schedule than everything else. I'm struggling to start applying for those jobs, because then I have to admit to everyone here (or at least some people) that I am leaving, and that saddens me. I want to do it and be supportive of him, but if that falls through and we end up staying here (b/c he doesn't have a job in the new location) for a period of time, I don't want it hanging over my head. Blah.

Some Negativity in my Brain

Sometimes, even though I'm still in cycle #1, I complain to my husband that we will never get pregnant. This isn't entirely because I'm super impatient, and I know other women who are on cycle eleventy billion it feels like, and they would be frustrated with me even having these thoughts. The reason I feel so lost on the first cycle and so willing to embrace the crazy - because of all my previous problems in the ovary department, I just don't have that much hope. Because I am currently on day 39 of my cycle and my hopes are dashed that being on birth control did anything to help really regulate my cycle (like they could have kickstarted me on the path to semi-regularity while I was taking them for a couple of years), I have worries. Not that I won't get pregnant RIGHT THIS MINUTE OMG, but that really, this is just the start of a trail of evidence of how much I am broken, and that I will never be pregnant and I will never be able to give my husband or my parents or myself children. That something is just inherently wrong with me! And no matter how intellectually wrong those thoughts are, I have them, and they hurt me. I am not someone who thought she could get pregnant right away and is like, what? There is WAITING involved, oh no! I am something who thought, and who thinks, that the probability that she will never get pregnant is high, and each day that passes confirms this awful thought.

OPK - My Friendly Neighborhood Tormenter

Awhile ago I bought these ovulation predictor kits, the First Response ones for longer cycles, because I'm pretty sure my cycle is going to take forever. My husband convinced me to go ahead and start using them this cycle even though I was already on day 31 at the time. Boy those things are hell! I can't believe that some people just sell 7 to a pack - I would die. I have had lines every time, but never as dark as they should be.

Who came up with this crazy theory? Instead of making crazy women look for a line that isn't there (pregnancy tests already have that market cornered) let's for sure give them a line and then make them struggle with the DARKNESS and the THICKNESS of the line, so they can have something to obsess over. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! Idiots.

One time (yesterday) I had a moment where I thought the line was as dark as the control, only not as wide. I couldn't *really* tell one way or the other and didn't have a digital/have the extra money to buy a digital to confirm. I jumped my husband just in case (not that he minded, this is only cycle #1) and went my merry way. I had a .2 temp jump this morning so we'll see if that was all it was cracked up to be. Probably not - and I wonder why I'm letting myself care about the OPK at all...maybe if my cycle had some sort of end date on it that would be helpful. If I have no AF by the time I go to the doctor, I will be 67 days into this cycle. I do not want it to last that long.

Getting an OBGYN

Okay, so normally I would try to refrain from posting twice in one day, but I HAD to share this. I have been putting off getting an obgyn here because I don't like going to the doctor (history of issues, etc.), but my scheduled time is coming up. I called the wife of a co-worker I am good friends with (and I know her too, we just don't hang out on a regular basis) because my workplace is mainly male and I don't have any good girlfriends at work that have been living here long enough to ask. Anyway, so I called her and left a message that said I wanted a doctor recommendation and who I was, etc. She called back in a few minutes, so I thought she was just screening her calls. When I picked up I just launched into, well, I need a doctor recommendation for your lady doctor (I wasn't sure what to say exactly, how do you broach this?) and after a little bit she was like, "I'm sorry, but I don't know who I'm speaking to..."

EMBARASSING! So then I had to back up and explain who I was and why I wanted all her personal information. Way to go, self. She was very nice but I was already weirded out about calling her and this worst case scenario wasn't helping matters. I got myself together and made an appointment for February 27th. Woo! It's not her doctor, but one she's heard good things about, since her doctor doesn't do obstetrics. One major step for me.

More thermometer issues...

First off, and this has NOTHING to do with the thermometers, I am in love with sunflower seeds again. I used to eat them all through hs and college, and a little in law school, but once I went on birth control I lost most of my taste for them. Now I've rediscovered them. Yum, salt! I will have to watch the intake on them though, because not good to be eating them all the time.

Anyway, so I went to CVS yesterday and bought a fake-mercury thermometer, and another BBT one. Don't judge. If my original BBT one was screwed up then I wanted another one, because I am crazy and I like the hundredth degree thing. Then I came home and tested my temperature around 4:15 p.m. -ish.

CVS BBT: 96.87
Vicks: 97.7
Wal-Mart BBT: 96.82
Fake Mercury: 97.3 (or so I read, why do they make these things difficult?)

So, technically the Fake Mercury temperature should be the most accurate, but that means that both Vicks and the BBTs are off by .5 ish degrees, which....sucks. But I do not want to use the Fake Mercury every morning because I like the memory feature on the others AND I don't want to wait 5 minutes, yeesh, just to take my temperature. (Secretly, I'm also still inclined to agree with the BBTs since they both agreed so closely.)

So I have decided to stick with the Wal-Mart pink top BBT for now because it is what I have been using, and I am more concerned with temperature shift than dead-on accuracy of my body temperature every time. Also, when I have my next doctor visit (coming up in February at some point) I will ask about the potentially low temps. I will NOT drive myself crazy about it. This coming from someone who now owns four thermometers.

Sheesh, and I'm still on the first cycle. True it's already been 35 days on this cycle, but hopefully I can reign in the crazy just a little bit. Yesterday I had a spike up into the 97s and thought maybe that meant something, but today I'm back in 96 land. The cold and frosty place to be. At this point I would love for something to signify ovulation just so I can start another cycle already.

Thermometer Troubles (& Puppies)

So first off, I've been having thermometer troubles. Our fancy-dancy Walgreens thermometer was what I was going to start off this charting adventure with, until I discovered it was dead and out of batteries. So I went out and purchased a special BBT thermometer and have been happily recording my temperature for the past week or so. My temperatures were low, but not unreasonably so....

And then someone posted a temp in the 96 range that had them worried, because people with that low of temperature are dead. And.....all but one of my temps was in the 96 range, with the highest being 97.07. Did I have a problem? Or just a faulty thermometer? (It happens, right?....RIGHT?) Anyway, I went grocery shopping last night and so picked up a regular thermometer (Vick's digital), figuring that my husband would be loathe to use the pink tipped BBT one anyway. I tried them out immediately and noticed a degree difference. But was it the NEW thermometer that was acting up? Or the slightly less new BBT one?

I woke up at 3:45 a.m. like a spazz and was convinced it was morning. At that time, the thermometers had a global summit of some type, because I got a 97.00 on the BBT and 97.7 on the Vicks. I went back to sleep like a non-crazy person, and woke up at 7:00 a.m. I tried again and got a 97.23 on the BBT and 97.8 on the Vicks. Hrm. At least I was now getting temperatures in the 97 range reliably on both thermometers, but that .57 difference was sticking in my craw a little. My husband recommends that I get a mercury (or mercury-like) thermometer not plagued with potentially faulty programming so I can tell which one is being reliable. I'm tempted to believe it is the BBT only because it takes a longer time and is supposed to be more precise, Vick's is only trying to tell me if I have a fever or not. Which, like, I do not, since I'm barely alive at this point, thanks a lot.

So after work I will be getting a new thermometer.

As if that weren't enough (drama over my freaking temperature), my husband and I visited a breeder yesterday to look at Schnauzers. My husband is allergic to dogs, but Schnauzers are supposed to be hypoallergenic. And while he had far less trouble with them than any other dog, he did have enough trouble for us to refrain from getting one of the cutest puppies I have ever seen and who melted my heart on the spot. :-( No puppies for us. (Don't talk to me about poodles.) It's just sort of like, thanks universe, as if my evil ovaries weren't enough, I can't even have a puppy to cuddle? Really? REALLY?

Ok, done with that now. Back to work. More bulletins about my adventures in heat calculation as events warrant.

Opening Shot

Here is the truth of my TTC story, that started waaaaay before I was TTC.

This first part is mostly transferred from evil_ovary over at livejournal, which was set up for my friends to follow that particular health journey. I haven't updated over there in 50 weeks, because I had put things mostly on hold.

Let's start at the beginning. (Aside, as a super background note, my grandmother took DES when she was pregnant with my mother, who had problems getting me). I've had irregular periods since I started having periods, which was around 14. For about 2 years they were consistently every other month, like one ovary just hadn't kicked into gear yet or something. Then they become more regular, and then they just got regular in irregularity if that makes sense. Knowing what I know now, I just think I was having really long cycles. But I wasn't having sex and there seemed to be no real reason to keep track of it, so I just let it go. When I was in law school, I skipped almost 3 months and I was concerned, so I went to a family doctor back "home" where my parents were.

She did all the normal things one does, pap, blood work, etc. And found that my hormone levels were seriously out of whack, with elevated estrogen being the main concern. So she thought we should do some ultrasounds on my ovaries. She thought it was PCOD or poly cystic ovarian disorder. We've now done two different ultrasounds. The second, and more qualified, radiologist, said that instead of lots of cysts on the ovary (and thus PCOD) my right ovary is made up of one big cyst with some random ovarian tissue sticking out here and there. My left one is supposedly perfectly normal. And seriously, I saw the screen and there is just this black mass sitting there where my right ovary should be. Also it likes to hide up by my appendix and stuff and not go where it's supposed to go. This is why I dubbed it the "evil ovary." And it was messing up my hormones.

With these results in hand I went back to the original doctor. She still thought it might be PCOD, even though I didn't have elevated testosterone, which is a major symptom in like 80-90% of cases, to say nothing of my sonogram results that didn't show that. She now wanted to get a pelvic MRI, because the evil ovary is apparently photogenic and we like taking pictures of it. On an unrelated note, my mother had broken her wrist, so I was unexpectedly at home for awhile. I called the doctor to try to schedule my MRI there. That's when her assistant said she had just randomly decided she wanted me to get a blood test for a cancer antigen. It's the CA 125 II test or something like that I believe. It was negative. This doctor put me on something to kickstart my period, which led to having a normal period, and then the next month having a period that lasted for almost 20 days. It was hell.

I ended up getting a pelvic MRI that showed nothing. And having trouble with a bunch of doctors in Chicago. PAP smears were always beyond horror for me, because they hurt so bad it made my cry. One of my doctors in Chicago suggested that if I used tampons instead of pads, I wouldn't have such long periods when they finally showed up. Yes, that is great advice, because tampons have anything to do with my cycle. Thanks. I finally ended up going to an RE who was baffled because I wasn't trying to get pregnant - and I wasn't, I just wanted to know what was up with my body. He did another ultrasound, which was unclear, and he said I *might* have PCOS/D, but just lose weight and wait until you want to be pregnant. Helpful. He suggested I go on birth control to regulate my periods. I did that, and ended up going through 3 different versions of the pill to find one that I could live with.

I stopped pursuing anything at that point, but had my next PAP done at the Mayo Clinic. That's where my husband's (boyfriend at the time) family gets all their important work done (his dad broke his back and only trusts these doctors) and I wanted some straight answers. Although I had been getting PAPs since I was 21 and was at this point 25 I had never, ever been told that I was super narrow and needed a special speculum. So while this PAP was uncomfortable, it was not unbelievably painful. Progress! And I was on birth control, so the doctor couldn't tell me anything about ovulation, but said I had a beautiful uterus. Good times.

That PAP came back abnormal, so I had to go back in for a colposcopy. That ended up being fine as well, but I needed to come back for regular tests. My next PAP is due in February, and I will probably have to have it done closer to home.

After that PAP, I got married, changed jobs (professors are more stress-free than lawyers), AND moved cross country with my husband. We have finally settled in and been married for almost 9 months, but because of my previous history and potential issues. So now we want to TTC.

I went off BC in mid-December, and started temping/charting midway into this cycle. I am in the middle of TCOYF and have had up to 78 day cycles when I was keeping track BEFORE the BC, and people are supposed to have long cycles coming off of it....so who knows? I don't have a doctor yet in my new town, because my regular PAP isn't due until February and I really hate starting over with new doctors as far as this is concerned. Sex is still painful sometimes because of the narrowness issue. I also feel like my temperature has been super low at this point, but I'm just figuring out how to even chart what is going on, much less ask sophisticated questions about it.

All that being said (super long, right?) I want to chronicle this journey, partly for myself, and partly for anyone who feels like me to know that they are not alone.