Some Negativity in my Brain

Sometimes, even though I'm still in cycle #1, I complain to my husband that we will never get pregnant. This isn't entirely because I'm super impatient, and I know other women who are on cycle eleventy billion it feels like, and they would be frustrated with me even having these thoughts. The reason I feel so lost on the first cycle and so willing to embrace the crazy - because of all my previous problems in the ovary department, I just don't have that much hope. Because I am currently on day 39 of my cycle and my hopes are dashed that being on birth control did anything to help really regulate my cycle (like they could have kickstarted me on the path to semi-regularity while I was taking them for a couple of years), I have worries. Not that I won't get pregnant RIGHT THIS MINUTE OMG, but that really, this is just the start of a trail of evidence of how much I am broken, and that I will never be pregnant and I will never be able to give my husband or my parents or myself children. That something is just inherently wrong with me! And no matter how intellectually wrong those thoughts are, I have them, and they hurt me. I am not someone who thought she could get pregnant right away and is like, what? There is WAITING involved, oh no! I am something who thought, and who thinks, that the probability that she will never get pregnant is high, and each day that passes confirms this awful thought.