Some Negativity in my Brain

Sometimes, even though I'm still in cycle #1, I complain to my husband that we will never get pregnant. This isn't entirely because I'm super impatient, and I know other women who are on cycle eleventy billion it feels like, and they would be frustrated with me even having these thoughts. The reason I feel so lost on the first cycle and so willing to embrace the crazy - because of all my previous problems in the ovary department, I just don't have that much hope. Because I am currently on day 39 of my cycle and my hopes are dashed that being on birth control did anything to help really regulate my cycle (like they could have kickstarted me on the path to semi-regularity while I was taking them for a couple of years), I have worries. Not that I won't get pregnant RIGHT THIS MINUTE OMG, but that really, this is just the start of a trail of evidence of how much I am broken, and that I will never be pregnant and I will never be able to give my husband or my parents or myself children. That something is just inherently wrong with me! And no matter how intellectually wrong those thoughts are, I have them, and they hurt me. I am not someone who thought she could get pregnant right away and is like, what? There is WAITING involved, oh no! I am something who thought, and who thinks, that the probability that she will never get pregnant is high, and each day that passes confirms this awful thought.

OPK - My Friendly Neighborhood Tormenter

Awhile ago I bought these ovulation predictor kits, the First Response ones for longer cycles, because I'm pretty sure my cycle is going to take forever. My husband convinced me to go ahead and start using them this cycle even though I was already on day 31 at the time. Boy those things are hell! I can't believe that some people just sell 7 to a pack - I would die. I have had lines every time, but never as dark as they should be.

Who came up with this crazy theory? Instead of making crazy women look for a line that isn't there (pregnancy tests already have that market cornered) let's for sure give them a line and then make them struggle with the DARKNESS and the THICKNESS of the line, so they can have something to obsess over. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! Idiots.

One time (yesterday) I had a moment where I thought the line was as dark as the control, only not as wide. I couldn't *really* tell one way or the other and didn't have a digital/have the extra money to buy a digital to confirm. I jumped my husband just in case (not that he minded, this is only cycle #1) and went my merry way. I had a .2 temp jump this morning so we'll see if that was all it was cracked up to be. Probably not - and I wonder why I'm letting myself care about the OPK at all...maybe if my cycle had some sort of end date on it that would be helpful. If I have no AF by the time I go to the doctor, I will be 67 days into this cycle. I do not want it to last that long.

Getting an OBGYN

Okay, so normally I would try to refrain from posting twice in one day, but I HAD to share this. I have been putting off getting an obgyn here because I don't like going to the doctor (history of issues, etc.), but my scheduled time is coming up. I called the wife of a co-worker I am good friends with (and I know her too, we just don't hang out on a regular basis) because my workplace is mainly male and I don't have any good girlfriends at work that have been living here long enough to ask. Anyway, so I called her and left a message that said I wanted a doctor recommendation and who I was, etc. She called back in a few minutes, so I thought she was just screening her calls. When I picked up I just launched into, well, I need a doctor recommendation for your lady doctor (I wasn't sure what to say exactly, how do you broach this?) and after a little bit she was like, "I'm sorry, but I don't know who I'm speaking to..."

EMBARASSING! So then I had to back up and explain who I was and why I wanted all her personal information. Way to go, self. She was very nice but I was already weirded out about calling her and this worst case scenario wasn't helping matters. I got myself together and made an appointment for February 27th. Woo! It's not her doctor, but one she's heard good things about, since her doctor doesn't do obstetrics. One major step for me.

More thermometer issues...

First off, and this has NOTHING to do with the thermometers, I am in love with sunflower seeds again. I used to eat them all through hs and college, and a little in law school, but once I went on birth control I lost most of my taste for them. Now I've rediscovered them. Yum, salt! I will have to watch the intake on them though, because not good to be eating them all the time.

Anyway, so I went to CVS yesterday and bought a fake-mercury thermometer, and another BBT one. Don't judge. If my original BBT one was screwed up then I wanted another one, because I am crazy and I like the hundredth degree thing. Then I came home and tested my temperature around 4:15 p.m. -ish.

CVS BBT: 96.87
Vicks: 97.7
Wal-Mart BBT: 96.82
Fake Mercury: 97.3 (or so I read, why do they make these things difficult?)

So, technically the Fake Mercury temperature should be the most accurate, but that means that both Vicks and the BBTs are off by .5 ish degrees, which....sucks. But I do not want to use the Fake Mercury every morning because I like the memory feature on the others AND I don't want to wait 5 minutes, yeesh, just to take my temperature. (Secretly, I'm also still inclined to agree with the BBTs since they both agreed so closely.)

So I have decided to stick with the Wal-Mart pink top BBT for now because it is what I have been using, and I am more concerned with temperature shift than dead-on accuracy of my body temperature every time. Also, when I have my next doctor visit (coming up in February at some point) I will ask about the potentially low temps. I will NOT drive myself crazy about it. This coming from someone who now owns four thermometers.

Sheesh, and I'm still on the first cycle. True it's already been 35 days on this cycle, but hopefully I can reign in the crazy just a little bit. Yesterday I had a spike up into the 97s and thought maybe that meant something, but today I'm back in 96 land. The cold and frosty place to be. At this point I would love for something to signify ovulation just so I can start another cycle already.

Thermometer Troubles (& Puppies)

So first off, I've been having thermometer troubles. Our fancy-dancy Walgreens thermometer was what I was going to start off this charting adventure with, until I discovered it was dead and out of batteries. So I went out and purchased a special BBT thermometer and have been happily recording my temperature for the past week or so. My temperatures were low, but not unreasonably so....

And then someone posted a temp in the 96 range that had them worried, because people with that low of temperature are dead. And.....all but one of my temps was in the 96 range, with the highest being 97.07. Did I have a problem? Or just a faulty thermometer? (It happens, right?....RIGHT?) Anyway, I went grocery shopping last night and so picked up a regular thermometer (Vick's digital), figuring that my husband would be loathe to use the pink tipped BBT one anyway. I tried them out immediately and noticed a degree difference. But was it the NEW thermometer that was acting up? Or the slightly less new BBT one?

I woke up at 3:45 a.m. like a spazz and was convinced it was morning. At that time, the thermometers had a global summit of some type, because I got a 97.00 on the BBT and 97.7 on the Vicks. I went back to sleep like a non-crazy person, and woke up at 7:00 a.m. I tried again and got a 97.23 on the BBT and 97.8 on the Vicks. Hrm. At least I was now getting temperatures in the 97 range reliably on both thermometers, but that .57 difference was sticking in my craw a little. My husband recommends that I get a mercury (or mercury-like) thermometer not plagued with potentially faulty programming so I can tell which one is being reliable. I'm tempted to believe it is the BBT only because it takes a longer time and is supposed to be more precise, Vick's is only trying to tell me if I have a fever or not. Which, like, I do not, since I'm barely alive at this point, thanks a lot.

So after work I will be getting a new thermometer.

As if that weren't enough (drama over my freaking temperature), my husband and I visited a breeder yesterday to look at Schnauzers. My husband is allergic to dogs, but Schnauzers are supposed to be hypoallergenic. And while he had far less trouble with them than any other dog, he did have enough trouble for us to refrain from getting one of the cutest puppies I have ever seen and who melted my heart on the spot. :-( No puppies for us. (Don't talk to me about poodles.) It's just sort of like, thanks universe, as if my evil ovaries weren't enough, I can't even have a puppy to cuddle? Really? REALLY?

Ok, done with that now. Back to work. More bulletins about my adventures in heat calculation as events warrant.

Opening Shot

Here is the truth of my TTC story, that started waaaaay before I was TTC.

This first part is mostly transferred from evil_ovary over at livejournal, which was set up for my friends to follow that particular health journey. I haven't updated over there in 50 weeks, because I had put things mostly on hold.

Let's start at the beginning. (Aside, as a super background note, my grandmother took DES when she was pregnant with my mother, who had problems getting me). I've had irregular periods since I started having periods, which was around 14. For about 2 years they were consistently every other month, like one ovary just hadn't kicked into gear yet or something. Then they become more regular, and then they just got regular in irregularity if that makes sense. Knowing what I know now, I just think I was having really long cycles. But I wasn't having sex and there seemed to be no real reason to keep track of it, so I just let it go. When I was in law school, I skipped almost 3 months and I was concerned, so I went to a family doctor back "home" where my parents were.

She did all the normal things one does, pap, blood work, etc. And found that my hormone levels were seriously out of whack, with elevated estrogen being the main concern. So she thought we should do some ultrasounds on my ovaries. She thought it was PCOD or poly cystic ovarian disorder. We've now done two different ultrasounds. The second, and more qualified, radiologist, said that instead of lots of cysts on the ovary (and thus PCOD) my right ovary is made up of one big cyst with some random ovarian tissue sticking out here and there. My left one is supposedly perfectly normal. And seriously, I saw the screen and there is just this black mass sitting there where my right ovary should be. Also it likes to hide up by my appendix and stuff and not go where it's supposed to go. This is why I dubbed it the "evil ovary." And it was messing up my hormones.

With these results in hand I went back to the original doctor. She still thought it might be PCOD, even though I didn't have elevated testosterone, which is a major symptom in like 80-90% of cases, to say nothing of my sonogram results that didn't show that. She now wanted to get a pelvic MRI, because the evil ovary is apparently photogenic and we like taking pictures of it. On an unrelated note, my mother had broken her wrist, so I was unexpectedly at home for awhile. I called the doctor to try to schedule my MRI there. That's when her assistant said she had just randomly decided she wanted me to get a blood test for a cancer antigen. It's the CA 125 II test or something like that I believe. It was negative. This doctor put me on something to kickstart my period, which led to having a normal period, and then the next month having a period that lasted for almost 20 days. It was hell.

I ended up getting a pelvic MRI that showed nothing. And having trouble with a bunch of doctors in Chicago. PAP smears were always beyond horror for me, because they hurt so bad it made my cry. One of my doctors in Chicago suggested that if I used tampons instead of pads, I wouldn't have such long periods when they finally showed up. Yes, that is great advice, because tampons have anything to do with my cycle. Thanks. I finally ended up going to an RE who was baffled because I wasn't trying to get pregnant - and I wasn't, I just wanted to know what was up with my body. He did another ultrasound, which was unclear, and he said I *might* have PCOS/D, but just lose weight and wait until you want to be pregnant. Helpful. He suggested I go on birth control to regulate my periods. I did that, and ended up going through 3 different versions of the pill to find one that I could live with.

I stopped pursuing anything at that point, but had my next PAP done at the Mayo Clinic. That's where my husband's (boyfriend at the time) family gets all their important work done (his dad broke his back and only trusts these doctors) and I wanted some straight answers. Although I had been getting PAPs since I was 21 and was at this point 25 I had never, ever been told that I was super narrow and needed a special speculum. So while this PAP was uncomfortable, it was not unbelievably painful. Progress! And I was on birth control, so the doctor couldn't tell me anything about ovulation, but said I had a beautiful uterus. Good times.

That PAP came back abnormal, so I had to go back in for a colposcopy. That ended up being fine as well, but I needed to come back for regular tests. My next PAP is due in February, and I will probably have to have it done closer to home.

After that PAP, I got married, changed jobs (professors are more stress-free than lawyers), AND moved cross country with my husband. We have finally settled in and been married for almost 9 months, but because of my previous history and potential issues. So now we want to TTC.

I went off BC in mid-December, and started temping/charting midway into this cycle. I am in the middle of TCOYF and have had up to 78 day cycles when I was keeping track BEFORE the BC, and people are supposed to have long cycles coming off of it....so who knows? I don't have a doctor yet in my new town, because my regular PAP isn't due until February and I really hate starting over with new doctors as far as this is concerned. Sex is still painful sometimes because of the narrowness issue. I also feel like my temperature has been super low at this point, but I'm just figuring out how to even chart what is going on, much less ask sophisticated questions about it.

All that being said (super long, right?) I want to chronicle this journey, partly for myself, and partly for anyone who feels like me to know that they are not alone.