So CD 10 should be nothing for an old pro at long cycles like me, but....even after taking the Clomid I have this suspicious, nagging, terrifying fear that I just won't ovulate. And if I won't ovulate on Clomid, what next? (Yes, I know, probably more and higher strength Clomid and then other stuff medically related) But it's sort of a thing in my brain that if this doesn't work, I really AM infertile and will have to spend thousands and wait years, if ever, to have a baby.
Ultimately his parents and grandparents are very big on "continuing the legacy" and I think if nothing is wrong with him, as a last resort we will probably do surrogacy with an egg donor if we can't get any out of me. This kind of makes me sad to think about, as I don't want to be the only one excluded from the baby making process because I am defective and broken.
You may be thinking to yourself, chill girl, don't go there, hang on, wait out this cycle and the next and the next but take it one day at a time. And you're right. But my brain....is being mean to me, what can I say?
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Clomid
My last day of Clomid was yesterday. It hasn't been terrible, but I've been getting really hot at night (my husband sweetly put a cold washcloth on my head last night) and all around meh, though I don't know how much of that to really attribute to the drugs. I also reaffirmed (since I've started taking real PNV and DHA and not just my chewables) that I hate, hate, hate, hate swallowing pills. I don't know why, but I'd rather chew chalk than feel the pill in my throat threatening to come back up. Lovely, I know.
I didn't temp the first 28 days of my last cycle so I can't really say how average my temps are to me at this time. All I'm hoping for is some ovulation, baby! Come on ovaries, you can do it. Just please don't explode with cyst-harboring goodness or that will defeat the purpose.
Other than that, it's just keep swimming mode around here. My parents are coming to visit this weekend and crazy things are happening at work so everyone is in full speed mode.
I didn't temp the first 28 days of my last cycle so I can't really say how average my temps are to me at this time. All I'm hoping for is some ovulation, baby! Come on ovaries, you can do it. Just please don't explode with cyst-harboring goodness or that will defeat the purpose.
Other than that, it's just keep swimming mode around here. My parents are coming to visit this weekend and crazy things are happening at work so everyone is in full speed mode.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Period Watch, Day 1!
After having an 84 day cycle, I was never quite so happy to have my first day of real period, and be on day 1 again. I already know this period will be a rough one, but just to have it happening is more than I can say.
My period really tricked me too! I have never, never spotted before but you can't call what's been going on the last two days a period. It's been weak and not red enough and not enough. Now it is coming on with a vengeance, after being denied for so long.
My period really tricked me too! I have never, never spotted before but you can't call what's been going on the last two days a period. It's been weak and not red enough and not enough. Now it is coming on with a vengeance, after being denied for so long.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
On Doctors & Medication
It has been an unfortunate while since I posted, so here goes.
On 1/27 I went to the doctor. He, nicely, did not say anything about my weight and was sweet and gentle with my pelvic. All around good time. He looked at my chart and my history and decided that I could keep trying on my own, but it would be difficult for me to ovulate. If I wanted to start clomid right away, I could. At the very least, I got an rx for progesterone and directions for bloodwork and an ultrasound to see if I had any cysts. The bloodwork proved, among other things, that I was not pregnant and I could start the progesterone last Tuesday. The ultrasound showed some cysts on my left ovary (the original evil ovary was righty, so maybe its more cyclical than I thought) but not enough to cause problems. So now my husband and I faced a choice, to start clomid right away or to wait?
Also, while my doctor is great, his nurse was a little disconnected. She said I could be taking the progesterone and the clomid at the same time, which, is kind of impossible since you don't get your "period" until after you are off of progesterone and you don't take clomid till after you start the next cycle. ANYWAY. She called my husband yesterday with the lab results and said everything was normal, and we could start clomid or go straight to an infertility specialist, because they didn't deal with these kinds of things very well. I called into her today and hope I get to actually speak with her, because I'm not sure how well my husband translated what she said, but HOLY WHAT? ONE appointment with me and a one off bloodwork and an ultrasound and you have decided I am far too broken for your practice? Even though I've only been trying to conceive for this one cycle? Are you NUTS? But I digress....
Whether I stay with these people medically or not, the decision to go on clomid or not still looms. Even though we officially are not telling anyone, including family, about ttc just now, I got permission to talk to my mom about this. My grandmother took DES and gave my mom some troubles and she was going to go on clomid the cycle after she got pregnant with me, so I wanted her advice on the whole thing. I know you shouldn't just "go on clomid" but it seems to me that my main problem right now is not ovulating, and this medication ostensibly solves that problem. We could try forever to get pregnant but I don't see why we should wait a year or more of not ovulating to address the not ovulating problem. I see girls on the message boards struggle with getting their period each cycle, but they GET THEIR PERIODS after a while and START new cycles. I'm still hanging out on day 78 and the ONLY reason I have an end in sight is the progesterone. Sigh. Part of my brain is like problem, meet solution.
My mother thinks it is okay, she was scared when she was younger because of the DES problems and thought she would have like four babies on clomid. We know more about it now, and I know more about it than she did. That helps. My husband wants to try clomid now for one cycle and just see if it works (success defined by ovulation, not pregnancy), and then go off of it for a bit and try to time things out better or try some alternative methods or something. I may be interviewing for jobs in the next fall/winter area, and that complicates things a bit. This next "cycle" we'd be on track for having a baby in December and that seems like a fine time. (Although I was a Christmas Eve baby and I urgh inside about potentially doing that to my kid).
So, what do I think? I think I would like to feel less broken and this feels like an ideal way - get started on the healing process. At best, we will know that this either works or it doesn't work, and either way we can go another route. It's just five days of pills, half of what I'm taking to get my period going. But now that I'm on the progesterone I'm all hormoney and weird anyway, and I don't know how much that is influencing my decision. I feel like I'm going to do it, just to see, and I told my husband that the next step was for him to get checked out, because it's far easier for him to do that than for me to do anything else. I may get some flack for this decision, but for now it's the one I feel I have to make.
On 1/27 I went to the doctor. He, nicely, did not say anything about my weight and was sweet and gentle with my pelvic. All around good time. He looked at my chart and my history and decided that I could keep trying on my own, but it would be difficult for me to ovulate. If I wanted to start clomid right away, I could. At the very least, I got an rx for progesterone and directions for bloodwork and an ultrasound to see if I had any cysts. The bloodwork proved, among other things, that I was not pregnant and I could start the progesterone last Tuesday. The ultrasound showed some cysts on my left ovary (the original evil ovary was righty, so maybe its more cyclical than I thought) but not enough to cause problems. So now my husband and I faced a choice, to start clomid right away or to wait?
Also, while my doctor is great, his nurse was a little disconnected. She said I could be taking the progesterone and the clomid at the same time, which, is kind of impossible since you don't get your "period" until after you are off of progesterone and you don't take clomid till after you start the next cycle. ANYWAY. She called my husband yesterday with the lab results and said everything was normal, and we could start clomid or go straight to an infertility specialist, because they didn't deal with these kinds of things very well. I called into her today and hope I get to actually speak with her, because I'm not sure how well my husband translated what she said, but HOLY WHAT? ONE appointment with me and a one off bloodwork and an ultrasound and you have decided I am far too broken for your practice? Even though I've only been trying to conceive for this one cycle? Are you NUTS? But I digress....
Whether I stay with these people medically or not, the decision to go on clomid or not still looms. Even though we officially are not telling anyone, including family, about ttc just now, I got permission to talk to my mom about this. My grandmother took DES and gave my mom some troubles and she was going to go on clomid the cycle after she got pregnant with me, so I wanted her advice on the whole thing. I know you shouldn't just "go on clomid" but it seems to me that my main problem right now is not ovulating, and this medication ostensibly solves that problem. We could try forever to get pregnant but I don't see why we should wait a year or more of not ovulating to address the not ovulating problem. I see girls on the message boards struggle with getting their period each cycle, but they GET THEIR PERIODS after a while and START new cycles. I'm still hanging out on day 78 and the ONLY reason I have an end in sight is the progesterone. Sigh. Part of my brain is like problem, meet solution.
My mother thinks it is okay, she was scared when she was younger because of the DES problems and thought she would have like four babies on clomid. We know more about it now, and I know more about it than she did. That helps. My husband wants to try clomid now for one cycle and just see if it works (success defined by ovulation, not pregnancy), and then go off of it for a bit and try to time things out better or try some alternative methods or something. I may be interviewing for jobs in the next fall/winter area, and that complicates things a bit. This next "cycle" we'd be on track for having a baby in December and that seems like a fine time. (Although I was a Christmas Eve baby and I urgh inside about potentially doing that to my kid).
So, what do I think? I think I would like to feel less broken and this feels like an ideal way - get started on the healing process. At best, we will know that this either works or it doesn't work, and either way we can go another route. It's just five days of pills, half of what I'm taking to get my period going. But now that I'm on the progesterone I'm all hormoney and weird anyway, and I don't know how much that is influencing my decision. I feel like I'm going to do it, just to see, and I told my husband that the next step was for him to get checked out, because it's far easier for him to do that than for me to do anything else. I may get some flack for this decision, but for now it's the one I feel I have to make.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Period Watch: Day 66
Still nothing, and my temps still don't show ovulation. Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment so I will be sure to update then. My husband is staying home tomorrow so he can be "around." I think he's predicting some bad news or just something to be done.
I have had super bad experiences with doctors (like that one who said tampons would solve all my worldly problems) and I just want this guy to be nice. I do not want him to just say, "lose weight." I am not the thinnest person in the world, but dude, telling someone for whom it is more difficult to lose weight to just "do it" doesn't really help. I want actual help, empathy, and compassion. I just hope it isn't too much to ask for in this scenario.
I have had super bad experiences with doctors (like that one who said tampons would solve all my worldly problems) and I just want this guy to be nice. I do not want him to just say, "lose weight." I am not the thinnest person in the world, but dude, telling someone for whom it is more difficult to lose weight to just "do it" doesn't really help. I want actual help, empathy, and compassion. I just hope it isn't too much to ask for in this scenario.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Period Watch: Day 59
Well I wished I'd blogged about it, because for a second there, fertility friend wanted to give me crosshairs on day 51. If only my temperature could sustain a day at 97.20, you get crosshairs. What did I get? 97.05, and it's all been downhill from there.
At day 59 (really, unless a miracle occurs, 60+) I can accept that I will not ovulate this cycle. But can I at least, you know, GET a period? Is that too much to ask? For those of you wondering, I have an appointment to see my doctor for the first time next Friday. I almost don't mind waiting a year to get pregnant on my own, but if I'm not even ovulating, that just isn't possible no matter how many times we have sex. And my husband is so cute about it right now, asking "what's your temperature?" every morning and he's even done some internet research on it. He thinks my chart is wonky because my thermometer is off - but he has no explanation for 59 days with no period and no pregnancy. I told him that tomorrow I would take a pregnancy test just to prove it, even though I know that my chart, even wonky, sustains no ovulation and no possible way of being pregnant.
Now I just want to
A) get my period already! Most women have had two plus cycles by now!
B) see my doctor and get started on this slow train to hell - at least get a plan of action in place.
In conclusion: Argh.
At day 59 (really, unless a miracle occurs, 60+) I can accept that I will not ovulate this cycle. But can I at least, you know, GET a period? Is that too much to ask? For those of you wondering, I have an appointment to see my doctor for the first time next Friday. I almost don't mind waiting a year to get pregnant on my own, but if I'm not even ovulating, that just isn't possible no matter how many times we have sex. And my husband is so cute about it right now, asking "what's your temperature?" every morning and he's even done some internet research on it. He thinks my chart is wonky because my thermometer is off - but he has no explanation for 59 days with no period and no pregnancy. I told him that tomorrow I would take a pregnancy test just to prove it, even though I know that my chart, even wonky, sustains no ovulation and no possible way of being pregnant.
Now I just want to
A) get my period already! Most women have had two plus cycles by now!
B) see my doctor and get started on this slow train to hell - at least get a plan of action in place.
In conclusion: Argh.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Other Life Issues
My husband said something a few days ago about maybe postponing having kids - and I wanted to throttle him. We may have a long road ahead of us anyway in that department, and he wants to prolong the time until we start?
In fairness, it's not about having kids per se - he wants them and is ready to have them. The deal is, I have a great job for me right now in a crap location for him (he is working way below his pay grade here at some part-time nonsense). At some point (and some point soon) we will have to move to another location. We hope not to move until one of us has a good job in the new location to make it easier, but we don't know what will happen. We have enough for a down payment on a house in a new location, but not enough to pay for a new house and keep paying off my law school loans and pay for a baby without both of us working, and we don't know what will happen. My view is, it's never the "perfect time" to have a baby, and we're not in a terrible financial situation that should prohibit us from trying to have a child. I'm already 27 and have known issues, so let's work with that, and be cautious of the financial issues but not overwhelmed by them. Life is always uncertain. But then again, I went to 12 schools before high school because my dad was in the military. So I'm much cooler with geographical uncertainty than the next person.
Also, and I want to vent about this but be vague too, so you know, it might be hard to follow - there is a potential set of positions for me in my husband's desired location, but it is on a different time schedule than everything else. I'm struggling to start applying for those jobs, because then I have to admit to everyone here (or at least some people) that I am leaving, and that saddens me. I want to do it and be supportive of him, but if that falls through and we end up staying here (b/c he doesn't have a job in the new location) for a period of time, I don't want it hanging over my head. Blah.
In fairness, it's not about having kids per se - he wants them and is ready to have them. The deal is, I have a great job for me right now in a crap location for him (he is working way below his pay grade here at some part-time nonsense). At some point (and some point soon) we will have to move to another location. We hope not to move until one of us has a good job in the new location to make it easier, but we don't know what will happen. We have enough for a down payment on a house in a new location, but not enough to pay for a new house and keep paying off my law school loans and pay for a baby without both of us working, and we don't know what will happen. My view is, it's never the "perfect time" to have a baby, and we're not in a terrible financial situation that should prohibit us from trying to have a child. I'm already 27 and have known issues, so let's work with that, and be cautious of the financial issues but not overwhelmed by them. Life is always uncertain. But then again, I went to 12 schools before high school because my dad was in the military. So I'm much cooler with geographical uncertainty than the next person.
Also, and I want to vent about this but be vague too, so you know, it might be hard to follow - there is a potential set of positions for me in my husband's desired location, but it is on a different time schedule than everything else. I'm struggling to start applying for those jobs, because then I have to admit to everyone here (or at least some people) that I am leaving, and that saddens me. I want to do it and be supportive of him, but if that falls through and we end up staying here (b/c he doesn't have a job in the new location) for a period of time, I don't want it hanging over my head. Blah.
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