Beta #3

is 1000. Doubling time is 2.83 days so a little slower than last time but still well within the 2-3 day range (this is what I keep telling myself). Next week on Friday will be 6w0d and we go in for the first ultrasound. Just thinking about it makes me want to barf (hopefully a good thing). Every time that wand goes in I know I will just cringe in fear. I hope this is it, but my heart won't let me hope too much.

Beta #2

We wanted at least a 350, but we got a 376! This puts our doubling time at 2.41 days, so right on track. My estrogen is 457 and my progesterone is 259, for those who want to know that as well. We go back in on Friday for beta #3 and hopefully an ultrasound the week after that. I'm hoping and praying that this is my sticky baby(ies).

Beta #1

159! That's three and half times more than it was at this point last time, so my husband and I are feeling infinitely better about the pregnancy this time around. Anxiously awaiting an update on Monday.

IVF #2

I can't believe that I essentially let the whole cycle pass without blogging! I have just been so scared this time that things won't work out the way we want them to work out.

I started off with the nurse wanting me to go through two backs of birth control pills and THEN starting a protocol. I told her no way, and we started the protocol on the second pack of pills (because the protocol STARTS with birth control pills). Everything was fine, but the IVF nurse messed up my calendar and when we got it fixed it had the wrong birthdate and there were many anxious calls back and forth. Then when I went in for my suppression check the office told me to go home. I started stims 12/26 and went in on Day 4 of stims - and THEN my office thought it was time for my suppression check. Luckily, nothing was wrecked and we proceded along.

Unfortunately in early January we had to go visit my inlaws about 7 hours away. Since our retreival was ultimately the 7th you can see how this was an issue. We had to coordinate with another clinic and make sure the clinics were cooperating and leave our trip two days early to make the appointment. We only got 6 eggs, and we were shocked because last time we got 8 and were expecting more with the new protocol. Of the 6, all were mature and all fertilized but 4 did really well and 2 were behind the curve.

We ended up transferring the two best blasts we had on day 5. Unfortunately, nothing made it to freeze. We were really bummed about that because IVF is such a hard process and there was no hope to do an FET instead.

Now we wait. Beta is tomorrow, 1/21. I started testing on Monday because I'm dumb and I have no self-control. Every digital I've taken (Monday and every morning since) has said, yes, I'm pregnant. But until I get the second beta number that proves this is not only going, but going well, I can't let myself get too excited about it.

Because we have two in there, we're calling them the "vanilla beans" or "two scoops" or even "Milly and Vanilla-y." I hope those little beans stick this time around, for real and for always.

Starting Over

I know I haven't blogged in an extremely long time, but I've been out of it, mentally and emotionally since the D&C.

We had the D&C on November 5th. My mom actually came to stay with us that weekend as my husband and I both got the flu at the same time. The worst part of the D&C was my throat hurt, it felt like I was swallowing broken glass, and I wasn't allowed even a sip of water for six and a half hours. It was agonizing. But at the same time, the physical pain helped keep my mind of the emotional pain.

That next weekend I was supposed to go on a work thing, but my uterus started seizing up and cramping so hard we almost had to go to the hospital. Luckily some pain meds got me through the week and a half of excruciating cramps and we didn't have to go back to the hospital to do D&C part II, the redux.

After that I went straight back on birth control to clear my system. I did it for a month, and now I'm on pack number 2. I had my IVF baselines (11 follicles on each side) and on Monday I'm having an HSG and an SIS to see if my uterus is back to its normal shape so we can proceed with another round of IVF.

All I can think is, here we go again ...

It's over again.

We went in today for an ultrasound and bloodwork. We are 9w6d. I have no idea how big the baby was, although the sac looked a lot bigger. There was no heartbeat. We are going in for a D&C on Friday and taking a break on doctor's orders for 6-8 weeks before we try again, if we try again.

What I regret most is telling anyone we were pregnant. We made it so much farther this time. Next time I'll keep it simple and tell our parents with a phone call and no one else until I'm showing and it's impossible to hide. If we try again. If we ever get a real success.

More for me than anyone else, here were all my numbers:
Beta #1 9/23 (44.9)
Beta #2 9/27 (63.7)
Beta #3 9/30 (102)
Beta #4 10/4 (334!)
Beta #5 10/7 (864!)
Ultrasound 10/11 (6w4d) - Heartbeat! Baby measured 6w0d but sac only 5w0d.
Ultrasound 10/18 (7w4d) - Heartbeat. Baby measured 6w4d and sac 5w4d.
Ultrasound 10/21 (8w0d) - Heartbeat. Baby measured 7w0d and sac 6w0d.
Ultrasound 10/27 (8w6d) - Heartbeat. Baby measured 8w2d and sac 6w5d.
Ultrasound 11/3 (9w6d) - No heartbeat. D&C scheduled for 11/5.

Heartbeat! But Small Sac

Monday we went in (we were 6w4d) and saw a heartbeat! The baby was measuring 6w0d, which the nurse said was fine - within a week is all right. The heartbeat was good and strong. However, the sac was only measuring 5w0d.

Of course we'll go in next Monday to see if the sac and baby are growing like they should, but right now I'm worried. The nurse said we shouldn't "get excited" but that we hit a milestone with the heartbeat. Honestly, I wasn't able to get excited about the heartbeat at all because she was being so negative. I feel like everytime we get good news it has a "but" attached to it that prevents me from doing anything but worry. Ugh.