444

3 4-s just wasn't enough for the long shot miracle for which I was hoping. Sigh.

Big Guns

Well I guess there should be an update of some kind at this point.

We've decided to do IVF. It was a big decision for us and we approached our parents for money (we have the money to pay for it ourselves, but are worried about our liquidity should we want to buy a house in the near future, and all the parent money would be strictly loans) and geared up.

Then my husband started the pre-interview process for this job, and if he gets it, it will provide us a $24k benefit specifically for IVF. While that is awesome and amazing, it requires that we suffer through this process and wait to start IVF. I say pre-interview, because it depends on some other people at the company making decisions before he can officially start the interview process.

In the meantime, my doctor recommends that I prepare myself for IVF and *not* pursue IUI. He (we switched doctors in the practice to one my husband likes better) could see from the surgery photos that my tubes are convoluted, and with 4 failed IUIs and 3 rest cycles in between, he just wants to keep me on perpetual birth control until we're ready to start an IVF cycle.

If only I knew when that would be...

Meanwhile, I went off birth control to have a final period before the long haul because I believe in that cleansing of my body. The weird thing is that I got a bunch of old blood, but no new blood. This is my second period since the surgery and it still isn't quite right, and now I won't have another period for awhile. I can't really decide how I feel about this.

Also we went to look at puppies again (we did this and had the IVF consulting appointment the DAY after the EDD and my best friend in the world had a little girl early - she was due 7/4 and delivered 6/25 and named her daughter the name I want for my daughter - suffice it to say I was SUPER EMOTIONAL). The puppies were super cute, and my husband wants me to have one if he has to move for this job (because I teach, I'm on a 6 month to a year delay to move behind him) so that I won't be alone.

But he had trouble, and I could TELL he was having trouble. He says he'll get over it, but I'd rather not put him in that position, you know? And it makes it harder when I really want a puppy but I have to be the one to say no. It's worse than him saying no somehow, I can't explain it.

Anyway, I can't be Debbie Downer forever. We're starting IVF and we have big hopes for that and are planning on three tries. I just hope the process gets to start sooner rather than later.

June 27th

Just something to commemorate this day. I love you poppyseed and this would have been your day (well probably not, but according to the only math we had). I know there was a reason you couldn't stay, but Mommy is still very sad today without you here.

Cysts

Surprise, I have more cysts. I have now had 4 IUIs and 3 cysts cycles. Something here is adding up to fml. We're blowing available time when my husband is here just resting and taking freaking birth control, which is life's cruelest irony. So I'm out for another month.

Not pregnant, beta was less than 5 and all that jazz. Stopping progesterone tonight and we're on to IUI #5, and #2 post-surgery. I wasn't spotting until AFTER she called today, so that was a false hope. I've sort of lost hope. I'm still not sure if I want to do IVF but it's looking like I have no choice.

Trigger is Out!

After the craziness that ensued last time I decided to test the trigger out, here at 7-8dpo it is officially out (one without FMU and one with), so hopefully anything positive from here on out is a good thing. My beta is on Tuesday the 1st. Waiting, waiting, it's all I ever do.

Plus it's really putting a damper on my summer plans. We'd like to travel some, this may be my husband's last chance for awhile and he loves going out west and camping. (I'm only ok with camping and require a "real" bathroom within walking distance of the tent, but I love him, so you know) And I need to be here for work, but that's more flexible in the summer as a professor. But we also need to take advantage of him being around for baby-making purposes, what if his new job won't let him guarantee to be here when I need him here? And I try not to travel when I need to be monitored, because as you've read, it's a pain and a half. We still haven't been reimbursed from the Las Vegas claims yet.

2WW

This has got to be the worst part every time because I just cannot squash my hope, damn it! Every time I tell myself not to get my hopes up because, as my husband keeps reminding me, it's a 20% shot every time, it doesn't get more or less no matter how many times we do it. And the roll of the dice has not been my friend.

We triggered last Thursday and I opted to go in this week for a progesterone test even though technically I didn't *have* to - but I just want to make sure that part of everything is okay. Last time I actually was pregnant I was having a problem with my progesterone levels, so you know. Plus, blood tests are free in a world where many things are not, so you know, I've got that going for me. :-)

So I'm over here with my supplements and my new chewable prenatal vitamins (yay) watching the clock and the calendar.