Still nothing, and my temps still don't show ovulation. Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment so I will be sure to update then. My husband is staying home tomorrow so he can be "around." I think he's predicting some bad news or just something to be done.
I have had super bad experiences with doctors (like that one who said tampons would solve all my worldly problems) and I just want this guy to be nice. I do not want him to just say, "lose weight." I am not the thinnest person in the world, but dude, telling someone for whom it is more difficult to lose weight to just "do it" doesn't really help. I want actual help, empathy, and compassion. I just hope it isn't too much to ask for in this scenario.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Period Watch: Day 59
Well I wished I'd blogged about it, because for a second there, fertility friend wanted to give me crosshairs on day 51. If only my temperature could sustain a day at 97.20, you get crosshairs. What did I get? 97.05, and it's all been downhill from there.
At day 59 (really, unless a miracle occurs, 60+) I can accept that I will not ovulate this cycle. But can I at least, you know, GET a period? Is that too much to ask? For those of you wondering, I have an appointment to see my doctor for the first time next Friday. I almost don't mind waiting a year to get pregnant on my own, but if I'm not even ovulating, that just isn't possible no matter how many times we have sex. And my husband is so cute about it right now, asking "what's your temperature?" every morning and he's even done some internet research on it. He thinks my chart is wonky because my thermometer is off - but he has no explanation for 59 days with no period and no pregnancy. I told him that tomorrow I would take a pregnancy test just to prove it, even though I know that my chart, even wonky, sustains no ovulation and no possible way of being pregnant.
Now I just want to
A) get my period already! Most women have had two plus cycles by now!
B) see my doctor and get started on this slow train to hell - at least get a plan of action in place.
In conclusion: Argh.
At day 59 (really, unless a miracle occurs, 60+) I can accept that I will not ovulate this cycle. But can I at least, you know, GET a period? Is that too much to ask? For those of you wondering, I have an appointment to see my doctor for the first time next Friday. I almost don't mind waiting a year to get pregnant on my own, but if I'm not even ovulating, that just isn't possible no matter how many times we have sex. And my husband is so cute about it right now, asking "what's your temperature?" every morning and he's even done some internet research on it. He thinks my chart is wonky because my thermometer is off - but he has no explanation for 59 days with no period and no pregnancy. I told him that tomorrow I would take a pregnancy test just to prove it, even though I know that my chart, even wonky, sustains no ovulation and no possible way of being pregnant.
Now I just want to
A) get my period already! Most women have had two plus cycles by now!
B) see my doctor and get started on this slow train to hell - at least get a plan of action in place.
In conclusion: Argh.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Other Life Issues
My husband said something a few days ago about maybe postponing having kids - and I wanted to throttle him. We may have a long road ahead of us anyway in that department, and he wants to prolong the time until we start?
In fairness, it's not about having kids per se - he wants them and is ready to have them. The deal is, I have a great job for me right now in a crap location for him (he is working way below his pay grade here at some part-time nonsense). At some point (and some point soon) we will have to move to another location. We hope not to move until one of us has a good job in the new location to make it easier, but we don't know what will happen. We have enough for a down payment on a house in a new location, but not enough to pay for a new house and keep paying off my law school loans and pay for a baby without both of us working, and we don't know what will happen. My view is, it's never the "perfect time" to have a baby, and we're not in a terrible financial situation that should prohibit us from trying to have a child. I'm already 27 and have known issues, so let's work with that, and be cautious of the financial issues but not overwhelmed by them. Life is always uncertain. But then again, I went to 12 schools before high school because my dad was in the military. So I'm much cooler with geographical uncertainty than the next person.
Also, and I want to vent about this but be vague too, so you know, it might be hard to follow - there is a potential set of positions for me in my husband's desired location, but it is on a different time schedule than everything else. I'm struggling to start applying for those jobs, because then I have to admit to everyone here (or at least some people) that I am leaving, and that saddens me. I want to do it and be supportive of him, but if that falls through and we end up staying here (b/c he doesn't have a job in the new location) for a period of time, I don't want it hanging over my head. Blah.
In fairness, it's not about having kids per se - he wants them and is ready to have them. The deal is, I have a great job for me right now in a crap location for him (he is working way below his pay grade here at some part-time nonsense). At some point (and some point soon) we will have to move to another location. We hope not to move until one of us has a good job in the new location to make it easier, but we don't know what will happen. We have enough for a down payment on a house in a new location, but not enough to pay for a new house and keep paying off my law school loans and pay for a baby without both of us working, and we don't know what will happen. My view is, it's never the "perfect time" to have a baby, and we're not in a terrible financial situation that should prohibit us from trying to have a child. I'm already 27 and have known issues, so let's work with that, and be cautious of the financial issues but not overwhelmed by them. Life is always uncertain. But then again, I went to 12 schools before high school because my dad was in the military. So I'm much cooler with geographical uncertainty than the next person.
Also, and I want to vent about this but be vague too, so you know, it might be hard to follow - there is a potential set of positions for me in my husband's desired location, but it is on a different time schedule than everything else. I'm struggling to start applying for those jobs, because then I have to admit to everyone here (or at least some people) that I am leaving, and that saddens me. I want to do it and be supportive of him, but if that falls through and we end up staying here (b/c he doesn't have a job in the new location) for a period of time, I don't want it hanging over my head. Blah.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Some Negativity in my Brain
Sometimes, even though I'm still in cycle #1, I complain to my husband that we will never get pregnant. This isn't entirely because I'm super impatient, and I know other women who are on cycle eleventy billion it feels like, and they would be frustrated with me even having these thoughts. The reason I feel so lost on the first cycle and so willing to embrace the crazy - because of all my previous problems in the ovary department, I just don't have that much hope. Because I am currently on day 39 of my cycle and my hopes are dashed that being on birth control did anything to help really regulate my cycle (like they could have kickstarted me on the path to semi-regularity while I was taking them for a couple of years), I have worries. Not that I won't get pregnant RIGHT THIS MINUTE OMG, but that really, this is just the start of a trail of evidence of how much I am broken, and that I will never be pregnant and I will never be able to give my husband or my parents or myself children. That something is just inherently wrong with me! And no matter how intellectually wrong those thoughts are, I have them, and they hurt me. I am not someone who thought she could get pregnant right away and is like, what? There is WAITING involved, oh no! I am something who thought, and who thinks, that the probability that she will never get pregnant is high, and each day that passes confirms this awful thought.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
OPK - My Friendly Neighborhood Tormenter
Awhile ago I bought these ovulation predictor kits, the First Response ones for longer cycles, because I'm pretty sure my cycle is going to take forever. My husband convinced me to go ahead and start using them this cycle even though I was already on day 31 at the time. Boy those things are hell! I can't believe that some people just sell 7 to a pack - I would die. I have had lines every time, but never as dark as they should be.
Who came up with this crazy theory? Instead of making crazy women look for a line that isn't there (pregnancy tests already have that market cornered) let's for sure give them a line and then make them struggle with the DARKNESS and the THICKNESS of the line, so they can have something to obsess over. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! Idiots.
One time (yesterday) I had a moment where I thought the line was as dark as the control, only not as wide. I couldn't *really* tell one way or the other and didn't have a digital/have the extra money to buy a digital to confirm. I jumped my husband just in case (not that he minded, this is only cycle #1) and went my merry way. I had a .2 temp jump this morning so we'll see if that was all it was cracked up to be. Probably not - and I wonder why I'm letting myself care about the OPK at all...maybe if my cycle had some sort of end date on it that would be helpful. If I have no AF by the time I go to the doctor, I will be 67 days into this cycle. I do not want it to last that long.
Who came up with this crazy theory? Instead of making crazy women look for a line that isn't there (pregnancy tests already have that market cornered) let's for sure give them a line and then make them struggle with the DARKNESS and the THICKNESS of the line, so they can have something to obsess over. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! Idiots.
One time (yesterday) I had a moment where I thought the line was as dark as the control, only not as wide. I couldn't *really* tell one way or the other and didn't have a digital/have the extra money to buy a digital to confirm. I jumped my husband just in case (not that he minded, this is only cycle #1) and went my merry way. I had a .2 temp jump this morning so we'll see if that was all it was cracked up to be. Probably not - and I wonder why I'm letting myself care about the OPK at all...maybe if my cycle had some sort of end date on it that would be helpful. If I have no AF by the time I go to the doctor, I will be 67 days into this cycle. I do not want it to last that long.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Getting an OBGYN
Okay, so normally I would try to refrain from posting twice in one day, but I HAD to share this. I have been putting off getting an obgyn here because I don't like going to the doctor (history of issues, etc.), but my scheduled time is coming up. I called the wife of a co-worker I am good friends with (and I know her too, we just don't hang out on a regular basis) because my workplace is mainly male and I don't have any good girlfriends at work that have been living here long enough to ask. Anyway, so I called her and left a message that said I wanted a doctor recommendation and who I was, etc. She called back in a few minutes, so I thought she was just screening her calls. When I picked up I just launched into, well, I need a doctor recommendation for your lady doctor (I wasn't sure what to say exactly, how do you broach this?) and after a little bit she was like, "I'm sorry, but I don't know who I'm speaking to..."
EMBARASSING! So then I had to back up and explain who I was and why I wanted all her personal information. Way to go, self. She was very nice but I was already weirded out about calling her and this worst case scenario wasn't helping matters. I got myself together and made an appointment for February 27th. Woo! It's not her doctor, but one she's heard good things about, since her doctor doesn't do obstetrics. One major step for me.
EMBARASSING! So then I had to back up and explain who I was and why I wanted all her personal information. Way to go, self. She was very nice but I was already weirded out about calling her and this worst case scenario wasn't helping matters. I got myself together and made an appointment for February 27th. Woo! It's not her doctor, but one she's heard good things about, since her doctor doesn't do obstetrics. One major step for me.
More thermometer issues...
First off, and this has NOTHING to do with the thermometers, I am in love with sunflower seeds again. I used to eat them all through hs and college, and a little in law school, but once I went on birth control I lost most of my taste for them. Now I've rediscovered them. Yum, salt! I will have to watch the intake on them though, because not good to be eating them all the time.
Anyway, so I went to CVS yesterday and bought a fake-mercury thermometer, and another BBT one. Don't judge. If my original BBT one was screwed up then I wanted another one, because I am crazy and I like the hundredth degree thing. Then I came home and tested my temperature around 4:15 p.m. -ish.
CVS BBT: 96.87
Vicks: 97.7
Wal-Mart BBT: 96.82
Fake Mercury: 97.3 (or so I read, why do they make these things difficult?)
So, technically the Fake Mercury temperature should be the most accurate, but that means that both Vicks and the BBTs are off by .5 ish degrees, which....sucks. But I do not want to use the Fake Mercury every morning because I like the memory feature on the others AND I don't want to wait 5 minutes, yeesh, just to take my temperature. (Secretly, I'm also still inclined to agree with the BBTs since they both agreed so closely.)
So I have decided to stick with the Wal-Mart pink top BBT for now because it is what I have been using, and I am more concerned with temperature shift than dead-on accuracy of my body temperature every time. Also, when I have my next doctor visit (coming up in February at some point) I will ask about the potentially low temps. I will NOT drive myself crazy about it. This coming from someone who now owns four thermometers.
Sheesh, and I'm still on the first cycle. True it's already been 35 days on this cycle, but hopefully I can reign in the crazy just a little bit. Yesterday I had a spike up into the 97s and thought maybe that meant something, but today I'm back in 96 land. The cold and frosty place to be. At this point I would love for something to signify ovulation just so I can start another cycle already.
Anyway, so I went to CVS yesterday and bought a fake-mercury thermometer, and another BBT one. Don't judge. If my original BBT one was screwed up then I wanted another one, because I am crazy and I like the hundredth degree thing. Then I came home and tested my temperature around 4:15 p.m. -ish.
CVS BBT: 96.87
Vicks: 97.7
Wal-Mart BBT: 96.82
Fake Mercury: 97.3 (or so I read, why do they make these things difficult?)
So, technically the Fake Mercury temperature should be the most accurate, but that means that both Vicks and the BBTs are off by .5 ish degrees, which....sucks. But I do not want to use the Fake Mercury every morning because I like the memory feature on the others AND I don't want to wait 5 minutes, yeesh, just to take my temperature. (Secretly, I'm also still inclined to agree with the BBTs since they both agreed so closely.)
So I have decided to stick with the Wal-Mart pink top BBT for now because it is what I have been using, and I am more concerned with temperature shift than dead-on accuracy of my body temperature every time. Also, when I have my next doctor visit (coming up in February at some point) I will ask about the potentially low temps. I will NOT drive myself crazy about it. This coming from someone who now owns four thermometers.
Sheesh, and I'm still on the first cycle. True it's already been 35 days on this cycle, but hopefully I can reign in the crazy just a little bit. Yesterday I had a spike up into the 97s and thought maybe that meant something, but today I'm back in 96 land. The cold and frosty place to be. At this point I would love for something to signify ovulation just so I can start another cycle already.
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